(DAYS OF OUR SECOND LIVES) Episode Two: Gratitude!

OPENING MONOLOGUE:

SL IS Drama.  Some drama is just honest unfortunate blending of unsuited people.  Some is just malicious game playing and manipulation.  No matter the source or the reason drama drains us, distracts us and often holds us back from the future we dream of.
Unfortunately we can't totally avoid drama.  All we can do is seperate ourselves from the black holes.  You know, those people who live to suck the life out of you.
When I face a difficult situation I find if I can laugh, it all seems better.  Even if I am laughing at myself.  So here is my wink and nod at the drama of second life.  Often the drama in SL reminds me of a soap opera.  So here's mine:  DAYS OF OUR SECOND LIVES!!!!!
All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real avatars, living or dead, is probably spot on... cough cough I mean purely coincidental!  *winks*

Our last show left Lynn searching for shorts and Richard dancing to the tune of his lady love... 

Lynn continues to search for shorts.  She grows more and more frantic.  She starts mumbling to herself.  Suddenly Richard Kitty appears followed by his lady love, Veronica.

"Lynn Richard tells me you need help finding shorts.  I keep telling you over and over that if you'd just allow me to choose your outfits then you and MrRightThisSecond would be having pixel babies by now.  You never listen.  I don't know why I do this.  I give and give and give but does anyone think of me?  No I am always the one people use and never appreciate!"

Lynn hangs her head. "You are right Veronica.  I should listen to you more.  I am sorry."

"Of course I am right!  I'm Veronica!  I know what's best for everyone in every given situation.  Richard feels the same way I do. We've talked about it at length."

Lynn looks and Richard is shaking his head no behind Veronica's back.  Veronica sensing dissention looks at Richard who stops shaking his head and smiles and Veronica.

"Of course Veronica.  I am sorry for not seeing things they way you do.  Thank you Veronica for helping me even though I don't show you proper gratitude."

"Now Lynn.  You don't need shorts.  You need an entirely new outfit.  Why you've worn that shirt for FIVE MINUTES!  You need a new one.  MrRightThisSecond will never look at you twice if you don't keep changing everything about you constantly.  He'll get bored.  Let's go shopping."

Before they leave MrRightThisSecond appears.

Lynn gasps, "MrRightThisSecond...hi...*giggles like a 12 year old* It's great to see you.  Thank you for coming.  I am sorry you have to see me like this.  I can look better.  I can do anything you want.  I... I... I..."

MrRightThisSecond says,"It's okay Lynn.  You don't have to worry.  You have exactly what I am looking for: a great deal of desperation and low self esteem.  You fawn over me, wait on me, do everything I want you to and you never complain.  I have to say I am rather enjoying it and as long as I enjoy it, then I'll keep seeing you. Well until I get bored or you do something I don't like or really for any reason at all.  But do try to keep me happy it's very amusing.

"Oh MrRightThisSecond you are so smart and you say the sweetest things.  Thank you.  I'm so glad to know you.  Wow!!"

"I know Lynn... I know."

Will Lynn and MrRightThisSecond be a match made in SL heaven?  Will Richard ever disagree with Veronica?  Will Veronica ever get the appreciation she deserves?  Find out in the next exciting episode offfffff... DAYS OF OUR SECOND LIVES!  

Zathos (POEM)

Zathos

Always hovering just above her head, she sees his winged flight.
With arms extended she reaches for him but he is gone from her sight.

Again he returns to taunt and torture her mind,
She scans the skies always hoping to find,

A glimpse, a glimmer, just something to treasure.
Her body cries out for release, cries out for the pleasure,

She knows only he can bring to her, he drives her insane.
She is thirsting for water, thirsting for rain.

She waits for him to join her down here,
He teases her and taunts her circling near.

He dives down so low she can feel his breath,
Then he flies away it feels just like death.

She tries to free herself from the chains that bind her down,
In his intoxicating essence she feels she might drown.

To fly through the skies is her deepest desire,
But she has no wings and she has no fire.

She is bound to the ground and can only watch the skies,
She cannot hide the desire and excitement in her eyes.

She sees his shadow gliding near,
She is filled with expectancy and fear.

This time he lands and lifts her up into the air,
She relaxes in his embrace he takes her into his lair.

The mingling of bodies, the cries thrown into the wind,
The passion builds and devours until the pleasurable end.

Slowly he glides down and returns her to her place,
He gently brushes the hair from her face.

One gentle kiss and he leaves her wanting more,
His touch has tamed her and shaken her to the core.

He waits in anticipation to capture her, to return her to his lair,
She watches the skies waiting for him to take her back into the air.

Time To Fly (POEM)

I don't know if it was watching The Raven (a movie about Poe solving murders done in the style of his stories), my melancholy mood brought on by holidays, or actually seeing a fly on the ceiling of my bathroom but this poem is purely a flight of fancy.  A morbid flight but nothing but a flight of fancy all the same.  I am not in the least bit suicidal.  That being said, I bring you... Time to fly!

 

Time to Fly

 

A fly crawled across the ceiling as my life ran out,
I watched it moving across the white ceiling with it's
swirled patterns.
It seems so strange to be mesmerized by a fly,
my last thoughts as I died.
I'd spent too many hours on the unhappy events of my life,
so many hours on guilt and despair,
and my last thought not of loved ones,
of those I left behind,
but of a fly crawling across the ceiling.
I chose death in this bathroom all blue and white,

the colors are peaceful I am told.
Peace washed over me as the blood ran out,
taking my life with it as it flowed down the drain.
I could not love myself,
and refused to believe anyone else could.
I longed to be adored,
cherished and protected.
It was not meant for me I suppose.
I hope they don't mourn too much,
those who believed they loved me.
I hope their thoughts of me are as inconsequential as a fly
crawling across a white swirled ceiling.

A Jen Trouble Shooting Guide (POEM?)

A Jen Trouble Shooting Guide

If I get quiet and distant I probably feel insignificant
and I need to know I matter to you.
If I get bitchy and try to push you away, you're too close
and I'm scared.
 If I get insecure and worry too much, if you can, be patient with me.
If I get over the top crazy and bouncing off the walls joking, most likely I am really sad and trying to shake off the blues.
If I ask you for a lot of feedback, your opinion matters to me. 
If I cry, hold me.
If I am ridiculous, don't laugh at me.
If I do something right, tell me.
If I give you my word, believe it.
If I am funny, laugh.
If I doubt myself, believe in me.
If I make myself vulnerable to you, don't reject me.
If I give you my heart, even if you can't accept it, don't break it when you give it back to me.
If I bring myself to care about you, it takes a lot to make me stop.
If you make a promise to me, keep it.
If I love you, I want the best for you, even if I am not it.
If I have a heavy heart, remind me of my blessings.
If I have a tale to tell, If I have a song to sing, listen.
If I smile at you, smile back.
If I try to get your attention, don't ignore me.
If I draw closer to you, don't push me away.
If I open myself up to you, don't shut me out.
If I trust you enough to show you who I am, don't try to change me.

Basically... love with me,laugh with me, live with me, enjoy me as I am or set me free so I can find someone who can!

(DAYS OF OUR SECOND LIVES) Episode One : Shorts!

SL IS Drama.  Some drama is just honest unfortunate blending of unsuited people.  Some is just malicious game playing and manipulation.  No matter the source or the reason drama drains us, distracts us and often holds us back from the future we dream of.

Unfortunately we can't totally avoid drama.  All we can do is seperate ourselves from the black holes.  You know, those people who live to suck the life out of you.

When I face a difficult situation I find if I can laugh, it all seems better.  Even if I am laughing at myself.  So here is my wink and nod at the drama of second life.  Often the drama in SL reminds me of a soap opera.  So here's mine:  DAYS OF OUR SECOND LIVES!!!!!

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real avatars, living or dead, is probably spot on... cough cough I mean purely coincidental!  *winks*

We open with one solitary figure.  She stands alone in a sandbox trying on outfit after outfit.  She seems content.  No one knows the turmoil that engulfs her. What in the world is she gonna do?  It seems she just can't find the right shorts to go with her new top!

GASP...DRAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!

In pops a very flamboyant Kitty...  "Lynnnnnnnn!" 

"Richard!"

"What's new?" 

"Oh Richard I can't find shorts to go with this top!  How am I going to make MrRightThisSecond fall in love with me nowwwwwwwwwwwwww?  He'll never love me and be faithful only to me and have pixel babies if I can't find the right shorts!!!!"

"This is a dilemna.  Never underestimate the importance of a good pair of shorts!  Oh dear I have to go.  Veronica needs me five seconds ago.  If I don't jump to her beck and call she might cancel our wedding... AGAIN!"

Will Lynn find the perfect shorts?  Will MrRightThisSecond succumb to her charms?  Will RichardKitty EVER get married?  Find out in the next exciting episode offfffff... DAYS OF OUR SECOND LIVES!

Hell of a Ride (BLOG)

So I am doing a lot of thinking.  So many thoughts are flying thru my head, I can't even get them all down before they leave the way they came.  I am trying to record the really important ones but it's hard to keep up.

There's so much that I am learning about who I am, who I was, and what I want to be.  I am totally rearranging how I want to approach the world from now on.  It's exciting and a bit scary as well.

I have a peace I haven't had in a long time.  I have so many choices and so much I have to get done, I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed.  The old Jen could not have taken any of this on because she didn't believe she could.  But this new me, this new creature I am learning to live with, she tells me she can do a lot.  She tells me I'm in for a hell of a ride.

*holds on tight*   Let's see what happens!

Driving Force (BLOG)

So many voices in my head.  So much guilt and regret.  I can't shake it.  Insecurity plagues me.  I sometimes just want to quit!  Somehow I always muster up enough strength to go on.  Today I am wondering... why?

I can give myself 200 reasons to quit.  I have lost faith in everything including myself.  So why don't I just quit?  What is that spark that keeps me going?  Why am I still here?

One big spark and driving force is my son.  I want to be a good mother for him.  I don't want to let him down.  But there are times when the thought of him just isn't enough.  And yet, I don't quit.

Another big spark is my religious beliefs.  I do believe in God.  I do believe he has a plan.  But there are times when I have doubts even he could love me.  I think he should just give up on me even though he never has.  And still I go on.

Is there some spark, some eternal part of me, some glorious gift of God that drives me?  Is there really a plan and a purpose for my life that I am meant to fulfill before I go on to the next life?  Can I really make a difference in anyone's life?  Can I make a difference in mine? 

I am not sure of the answer but I do know I am driven.  Even at my lowest point I did not give up.  Surely there is some reason why I can't give up.  Surely there is some reason why I've experienced all I've experienced. 

Almost every painful experience in my life has been used to help others.  I've been given fine examples on how to live my life and the kind of person I want to be.  It seems like the only thing holding me back is me.

I need to quit trying to protect myself and let go.  I need to tap into that driving force and keep moving forward.  I need to remind myself there is a plan.  I want to love, laugh and live!  I want to live my life in service of others.  I want to make a difference.

And I will.  This damn energizer bunny driving force won't allow me to do otherwise.  Apparently quitting is NOT an option!  I must have something important to do.  I best get busy!!!!!

Two out of three... (BLOG)

I cried myself to sleep last night.  I don't remember the last time I've done that.  I was drifting off to sleep thinking of someone who makes me smile.  I was thinking it was a nice way to fall asleep. Then it happened.  My demons started taunting me.  I had an extremely vicious thought enter my brain...  YOU ARE ALONE.   And I couldn't dispute it, I was.

 I am surrounded by people who love me and care about me, but I feel so spirit crushingly alone.  In the small still hours of the night, I am all alone.  Nobody is there to hold, nobody is there to touch.

I've tried so hard to improve myself lately.  I've tried so hard to remain positive in spite of setbacks and heartbreaks.  But last night I just couldn't fight it.  I gave in and cried until I fell asleep from exhaustion. 

I've spent a good portion of my life lonely.  I never realized any of my positive attributes and I wasted what little youth and beauty I had.  I wasted all my love on someone who viewed it as nothing.

I know people like who I am.  I know I am a reasonably good person.  I know people care.  I know people are attracted to my personality and sense of fun.

But nobody is going look at this face and fall in love.  Nobody is going to look at my situation and take that on.  I am going to spend the rest of my nights alone.  That's how I feel.  And I just can't shake it. 

And that makes me feel defeated.  Because I've tried so hard not to feel this away again.  I've tried so hard to rise above my past.  But today I just can't.  And I feel like a failure.

I feel like I have nothing to entice a man but my sexual imagination.  I'm great with fantasy.  But I need reality.  And it's not going to happen.  And it's not that I blame them, I look at myself and I know I've got nothing to offer. 

I tried to be brave about it.  I tried not to care.  I tried having all the people that care about me and wish me well be enough.  But it's not.  I don't want to be alone.  And I am. 

The one thing I am holding on to is thinking this too shall pass.  I am hoping that I'll right myself again and just keep moving forward.  I've gone too far to give up and get stuck again.  I just have to stand.  I just have to breathe.  I just have to believe. 

Oh well, two out of three "ain't" bad.  :)

Scrambled Eggs (BLOG)

So you read the title scrambled eggs and you see a picture of me riding a turtle.  Makes sense... yeah?  *shakes head vigorously !NO!*   Well don't worry... I did not make an omelet with turtle eggs!  !WHEW!  

I've been in a very fragile state these days not unlike an egg.  And my brain has been very scrambled lately... so I named this blog post scrambled eggs.  Kind of how I feel... broken... scrambled...cooked in hell fire... and then eaten. 

My emotions have been beating the hell out of me for a good two weeks now.  Ever since I started packing up my life to leave this house.  And I HATE this house.  I hate the memories in this house.  But I still feel completely, unbearably, crushingly sad to leave it.  I know it's because I am most terrified of the unknown.  I like knowing what will happen, I like having a plan.  And I don't have one.  Everything is rushed and up in the air.  I have no "job."  I have very little income and too many hands out wanting paid.  I have a good deal of dinero coming my way but it will take a couple months for me to get it.  And in the meantime I am getting farther and farther in debt.  I feel hopeless.

So yesterday, crying, feeling hopeless, and wishing I had someone to hold me I go into SL.  (doesn't everyone?)  I "start" talking to my good buddy Feesh.  He's very grounding, and doesn't get alarmed at anything.  He talks me down off the ledge I'm on and suggests we go swimming.  So we dive, swim around, and look like frogs with our legs kicking when we stop to look at something.  Good fun.  I see some sharks and try to sit on them so I can ride them.  No go.  I try the turtle.  No go.  For some reason, I feel the urge to try again.  And voila! I am riding a turtle.  And I have no control where the little guy is taking me.  I just have go along for the ride.  It was fun!  It made me laugh.

I may not have chosen to be where I am now.  But I have to just keep going. And when things don't work, try again.  Not always being in control can lead me to some fun places if I am brave enough to let go and give it whirl.

Thanks to all my friends who are being so wonderful to me in this transitional time in my life.  And especially thanks to Feesh for helping me get my equilibrium back yesterday.

Desperation (POEM)

Desperation

I'm desperate for clarity
Desperate to know,
Desperate for understanding,
Desperate to show.

I'm desperate for passion,
Desperate to feel,
Desperate for connection,
Desperate for something real.

I'm desperate for Change,
Desperate to improve,
Desperate to avoid the darkness,
Desperate to begin to move.

I'm desperate for happiness,
Desperate to be at peace,
Desperate for serenity,
Desperate for pain to cease.

I'm desperate for security,
Desperate to be safely guarded,
Desperate to feel comfort,
Desperate to be kept and not discarded.

I'm desperate for someone to love me,
Desperate to be esteemed,
Desperate to be cherished,
Desperate to be redeemed.

I'm desperate to avoid destruction,
Desperate to become whole,
Desperate to be worthwhile,
Desperate to save my soul.

I'm desperate for an answer,
Desperate for to finally see,
Desperate for things to make sense,
Desperate to be me!

Contemplation (POEM)

Contemplation


Deep thoughts intrude when I want to sleep,
Unwelcome truths visit me in my dreams,
There is no escape from what my conscience tells me,
Justification is just empty distraction.

I know right from wrong,
I know what I SHOULD do,
I also know what I will do,
Procrastination is just me holding back in trepidation.

My feelings and actions are at war,
My heart and mind bitter enemies,
I think I know how it will all end, and yet,
Prediction is just my attempt at fate "modification."

I crush my own spirit again and again,
I do the opposite of what I should,
I let people in who will only kill my soul,
Self destruction is just my punishment for imperfection.

I tell myself lies to make myself feel better,
I lie to loved ones so they won't worry,
I keep hoping I'll convince myself, but,
Deception is just my prevention of self examination.

The time will come when I have to face it,
Choices that will define me will have to be made,
Then all will know what I am made of, because,
Revelation is just action exibition.

Until then I live in the meantime,
I don't look forward just live day by day,
Until I can believe in and have hope for a future,
Imobolization is just my current life destination.

Safety Net (POEM)

Safety Net

I found you lying in my dresser while I was cleaning it out,
My safety net, lying there waiting to be used,
You kept from going mad and gave me strength each day to go on.
I repeated to myself time and again... just one more day,
Just one more hour, just one more breath.
If I can't face it, I have my safety net, I have a way out.
And I would go on, face another day, and live.

I held you in my hand, nothing about you had changed.
You were still plastic,  still round,
Still full of pills, and not one missing.
You still held the same potential to give me a way out.
You still held the same potential to end my hopeless life.
Part of me thinks I should just toss you out,
But somehow I can't.

Because your meaning to me has completely changed.
I no longer long to make use of your protection.
I no longer need a safety net to face tomorrow.
You are no longer my safety net,
You are a symbol of how far I've come,
Of how much I've grown,
And how much I now want to live.

You remind me how fragile life is.
You remind me how close I came to destruction.
How close I came to destroying not just me, but those I love,
I never wanted to hurt anyone, only wanted to prevent more pain,
I Thought you might be better with me gone, but deep down I knew,
We are all interconnected, each choice effects another.
Each choice changes our world.

I never told a soul you existed.
I never told anyone the dark thoughts nesting in my brain,
Of the ice around my heart, the constant pain I felt.
I knew they'd make me get rid of you, make me try to walk,
They'd make me face my life with no way out,
They'd make me tightrope without my safety net below.
I was not that brave or coordinated.

Now I think I could tightrope, I could trapeze,
I could soar or tumble all without a net.
Because I have a greater hope than any found in your bottle.
I know I am in the hands of a greater "power",
A greater "power who wants only good things for me.
How wise he was, How much he loved me.
How well he knew me, He actually used a bottle of pills
To save my life.

PROMISES (POEM)

PROMISES

There is no tomorrow,
There is only today,
So if you want to hurt me,
You need only say,
I promise.

I don't believe in promises,
I don't believe it's real,
I don't believe in forever,
I just go with what I feel,
No more promises.

I do believe in feelings,
But I don't believe they last,
I do believe in new beginnings,
But they soon become the past,
They fade like promises.

I wish that love was forever,
I wish it was without end,
By experience has taught me well,
Feelings in time will tear and rend,
Just broken promises.

I want to live in the moment,
To revel in here and now,
That is all I have,
There is nothing I can vow,
Just empty promises.

Perhaps someday I'll believe again,
Someday I can trust,
Someday my motivations will be driven,
By more than fear and lust,
But I make no promises!

Scars (Poem)

Scars

You never hit me once,

You never left a bruise.
but you still made a mark
some scars are invisible.

Words like poison

You forced down my throat
the only reason for them
to make me cry
to make me do things Your way.

You choked me with silence,

with indifference
with ridicule
to make me be quiet.

You starved me withholding affection

You pushed me away
You locked me out
to make me feel small and worthless.

You were never satisfied

nothing was good enough
everyone,especially me,was beneath You,
to make me feel unimportant.

You never listened to anyone

nobody had a worthwile opinion but You
nothing I said was considered
to make me feel stupid.

Nothing happened except at Your convenience

Nobody's time was important
Nobody mattered but You
to make me feel invisible.

You belittled my interests

scorned my religion
made me feel everything about me was wrong
to make me doubt my worth.

You were irritated by my singing

You laughed at my writing
You hated all the good things about me
to make me change all I was.

You dismissed my contributions

Never appreciated anything I did
Never even cared one way or the other
to make me try harder to please You.

You tried to kill all that was me

Tried to make me feel I was defective
Tried to make me into Your robot slave
to make YOU feel better about You

I eventually gave up on everything

didn't even want to live
and you still tormented me
to make me end my life.

You waited till the last second

to take me to the hospital
You hoped I'd die, was disappointed when I didn't
You made me wish I had.

You sent away my family

laughed at my weakness
never lifted a finger to help me
to repay me for not dying.

When I chose to live

You decided to find another person to torment
To find someone easier to mold into your ideal
I no longer had any thing left to give you.

You said you couldn't stand to be seen with me

You were disgusted by how fat I was
You found me old, ugly and hideous
to make me feel repulsive.

You screamed at me about the bills

What it cost to keep me alive
You humiliated me at every opportunity
to make me feel like a burden.

And when I realized what you had almost done
when I saw I was not who you saw me as
When I saw you for what You were
you said you hated me.

You thought you broke me

you thought you tossed me out like trash
you thought you sucked all the life out of me
But you only set me free.

The scars will remind me

That I can survive
That I am more than I thought
That all that is me isn't destroyed and will remain.

I would never know how precious I am

Would never know what I can withstand
Never known the best of me
if you had not tried to destroy it.

So I'll wear these scars as a badge of honor

Use my experiences to treat others with compassion
Encourage others to avoid this fate
And never let anyone have that much "power" over me again!


The Waterfall (Poem)

Another poem I found while packing and tossing...

The Waterfall

I sit quietly staring into the water, seeking comfort, solace, a hiding place,
I dream of how I wish things could be, I stare dreamily off into space.

A pair of piercing eyes haunt my mind,
Passion meets passion and conscience becomes blind.

I wait for the moment to say how I feel,
But I know it's only a dream, I know it isn't real.

I know it isn't right but I am tempted still,
To quench my thirst and drink my fill.

And yet I pause on the water's edge because I know
One moment of pleasure would bring years of woe.

One doesn't balance the other inequity abounds,
Temptation haunts me and desire confounds.

Once again I search the water for serenity and peace,
One again my heart is filled with unease.

What I feel for you I can't describe even to myself,
Much better if I hide it, put it far back on a shelf.

Then I don't have to worry, I don't have to deal,
I don't have to face it, I can deny what I feel.

I won't have to feel guilt or beg forgiveness then,
I won't have to fail God again and again.

But my reflection in the water tells me more than I want to know,
Bound by friendship I know I can't have you, yet I can't let you go.

Your friendship is precious a treasured gift,
A solid place amidst the drift.

There can be no more than that but the temptation still exists, still resides,
Always below the surface, in darkness and frustration it hides.

Bubbling beneath the surface, looking for a chance to spring,
Keeping it in check is not always a simple thing,

Yet I go on with life like nothing is happening at all,
And I leave my troubles hiding inside the water fall.

Arduous Invocation (POEM)

This poem was written a few years ago.  I found it today while packing and tossing and decided to post.

Arduous Invocation

If I couldst open mine heart to reveal what inside resides,

From hence would flow a melody sweet to thine ear;

Words of honey so sweet would follow quick,

Manifestations of cherished allotments of thyself wouldst appear.

On longing delight hath fed and ardor quenched desired thirst,

Yet our allotted hours in unison be the substance of brevity;

Sustenance gleaned from the fabric of our shrouded dreams,

we are well met in the secluded haven of faculty and levity.

Shall I persuade thee to linger yet a little while,

to gallantly tender whisperings precious and sweet;

Thou dost enslave me with thine passionate declarations,

So blushed mine cheek tis enflamed with scarlet heat.

Thou hearest whisperings of my heart, my secret declarations,

I am known of you yet still you love, a puzzling mystery;

Myself as whole I cannot give, but what I give tis true,

In twain divided yet I find, I canst not separate myself from thee.

I am grateful for thy loving care, and for thy sharing of thyself,

This arduous journey imprinted much on my peace and serenity;

What shall befall I cannot know but this fact is sure,

Some part of me shall forever love, remembrances joyous forever be

Some abiding remembrance of me linger near, this invocation mine,

Some special portal of thine heart let me fill;

I canst not own the whole of thee, what tis mine I cherish,

Memory, Reality, whatever may be, I shall love thee still.

Packing it in... (BLOG)

Packing up 16 years of stuff can really mess with your head.  I feel like somebody died. If I really think about it somebody did.  People have said to me that I feel so bad because it's the death of a marriage, death of hopes and dreams.  But that died long ago.  But they are right in that it is a death. 

It's the death of a scared, unhappy, unfulfilled woman who , quite unfairly, will never be vindicated.  She gave all, sacrificed all, just for the hope that someday, somehow he'd appreciate how much she loved him.  Instead she was tossed out like trash and scorned, ridiculed and terrorized.  It's not fair, it's not right, it's pathetic.  So I am mourning.  I am mourning the death of that very unhappy woman.  I am sad that she will never get the love and appreciation she deserved.  But out of her ashes is rising a much stronger, happier secure woman.  And I swear her death will not be in vain. 

I am also mourning the death of the man I loved.  Perhaps that's not the right way to put it, because he never existed.  The potential was there but never realized.  And it's a "complete "waste!  The man I loved was smart, funny, strong, and generous.  That man could do anything.  That man was worth devoting your life to.  That man was a good Father and husband.  It's a real shame he never existed.  He could have, but other things were more important.  "Money", outward appearance, control and the selfish empty pursuit of all things HIM, that's what really mattered.  I almost feel sorry for him because he'll never get to know what's it like to really love someone and be loved in return.  Because you can't be loved if you can't open up and let people in.  And you can't love someone you control.

So yeah... I guess I have the right to be sad.  And even though I am SO ready to get out of here, even though I am so happy to be free of the tyranny I lived under, and even though I can finally stop walking on eggshells afraid to be me, I still feel a bit sad leaving all that is familiar to head out to the unknown.

Never Take Travel Advice from My Brother! (Adventure)

So my brother Roz told me about this cool place he went to...  Innsmouth.  Said I'd like the rural surroundings, love coastal New England this time of year, said I needed a break from all the stress I'd been under.  And... it was cheap!  I was sold.

At first glance it looked GREAT!

I checked into my room at the bed and breakfast I was staying at.  It was quite a bit more run down than I was prepared for but... I'm no snob.  I could rough it.  I needed peace and quiet and there was that in abundance right??

The solitude was just what I needed.  Who needs tv, computers, running water?!  O_O

After being bored to... I mean basking in my me time, I decided to go explore the place.
Did the place seem darker and creepier than when I got here?  Hmmmm must be my imagination!

I decided the best place to go to get to know the place was a bar.  And luckily I found one right away!

The service was kind of slow and I didn't like the way the barkeep was looking at me, but nothing bad happened so I decided to catch a movie.

Boy these people like all things aquatic.  Fish, waves, and frog designs everywhere!  It was nice and all but a bit much.  As I left the movie theatre I saw a man sitting on the curb.  I sat down beside him and we had a nice chat.  He told me I seemed like a nice girl and maybe I should leave town.  I asked him why but he just walked away.  He looked back at me and said sadly, "Leave, while you can!"

So that really creeped me out but it also made me curious.  I decided to look around this town and see what I could find.  I found this boarded up place with locked doors.  So yeah... I HAD to get in.  I looked inside and this is what I saw!

Looks like they worshipped fish or frogs or something... weird!  I decided to look around the town a bit more... I was drawn to a glowing green light...  WHAT WAS THAT?

Before I could figure it out, I heard a terrifying noise.  I should have just ran then but I had to know what was making that sound.  When I saw what it was I did run!

Unfortunately I didn't run fast enough.  I fell and hit my head.  One of the creature's minions captured me.

I woke up strapped to a table.  What in the world was going on?

I struggled with all my might.  I don't know if the restraints were old or weak or if adrenaline just made me that strong but I got free and I ran!  I opened a door trying to find a way out and was horrified by what I saw...

I did NOT want to know what happened in that room.  I was desperate to get out.  I ran thru the house like a madwoman.  In my haste I knocked over a lamp and set the whole house on fire!  I barely escaped the flames with my life!!

I ran as fast I could.  I ran all the way to the coast without thinking what I was doing.  I saw a boat in the water.  The man that hours earlier had told me to leave was manning the boat.  "GET IN," he yelled!  He didn't have to tell me twice.  As we floated away from that horrible place, I had so many questions.  I wasn't sure if I even wanted to know the answers.  But the one thing I did know was...  I WAS GOING TO KILL ROZ!!!!

The Edge of Never (Poem)

The Edge of NEVER

I see you fiend of hell,
taunting me inticing me in.
I won't go where you bid me.
I won't be tempted to go where you lead.
Yes, your blackness is familiar to me,
I know how it feels surrounding me,
I know the pain,
the release,
the cycle.
I know what it is to revel in misery,
But it doesn't work anymore.
There is no satisfaction in agony,
I am tired of being your puppet,
I won't do your bidding any longer,
I will not destroy myself anymore.
Nothing I have done is vile enough to merit your society.
The pit is not for me.
I think you liked my company ,
fed off my strength and vitality,
You liked having me bow to your whim,
You liked me unaware of my own worth,
I won't be frozen by your embrace any more!
Go back to your pit I'll not join you there,
wallow in your misery and selfishness,
and drink the poison of your own heart.
I've had enough to last a 1000 lifetimes.
I think I'll bask in the light,
and hold your memory as a reminder,
to go on, to spur me forward,
and never look back down into the pit,
never to stand on the edges,
feeling the pull dragging me,
down down down to where you dwell.

Descent (POEM)

DESCENT

Sitting here reading your words
Your declarations to the women in your past
Each word a stab to the heart
You are no longer the man that wrote those words
You no longer believe the feelings you vowed
Or maybe you do and I really am
not capable of stirring in you such sentiments
I wish you could love me
Am I deficient or is it we are just not a compatible
or maybe all I can offer is my sexuality
the gift and curse that destroys me again and again
Maybe that's all I have
Maybe that's all I am
one that can stir passions but never love
I guess I should be glad you notice me at all
few do
I crave and abhor the attention of men
I shrink from connection
because I know it will all boil down to sex
and then it begins
 the slow
agonizing descent into goodbye

Ripple Effect, Unwanted Answer (POEMS)

RIPPLE EFFECT

Just a ripple in your big pond
a small little insignificant stone
one of many...
maybe nice to look at...
maybe smooth to the touch...
maybe fun for a moment...
but expendable... tossable.. gone

Unwanted Answer

If I should leave
would you miss my voice?
would you miss my words?
would you miss my laughter?

If I left
would you feel any regret?
remember times we shared?
look at my picture? be relieved?

If you knew I planned to go
would you ask me to stay?
would you try to change my mind?
would you even care?

If I searched deep in my heart
and listened to my mind
I already have my answer
I just keep wishing I were wrong.

Chucked Out of a Balloon... (Adventure)

So I am on Rag Dollz Island.  And I see a balloon ride.  Might be fun right?  Right?  So I sit.

I expect to ride around the island.  Look at some views.  Seems like a reasonable expectation.

Seems harless enough so far...   Then we kept going up... and up...

Maybe I was a bit nervous... but I never suspected...  I was chucked out... that's right chucked out! With only an umbrella!

Luckily this was one STRONG umbrella!!!

I am happy to say I survived.  I even found some cool stuff while I was in the air... like this

motorcycle!  She's a beaut eh?  After I had ended my ballon ride I noticed the sign for the balloon ride.  It seems it TELLS you that you will get chucked out and given an umbrella!  That's what I get for leaping before I look I guess. But I have to tell you... It was more fun that way...   :)

After being in the air a while... I thought it was best to put on some wings... you never know when you'll need them!

I ended my adventure relaxing on a bench.  Comtemplating life.  And definitely improving my mood.  I'm all for that!  So I'll end this little post with a little dreaming and looking forward to what I find next.



I... Am a Work of ART! (Blog)

  So I was feeling sorry for myself.  It happens.   Today I wandered in SL and found an easel.  I thought... I wonder if I can sit on that...  And voila!  I AM ART!  :)  It amused me.  But it also got me thinking... yeah ONE person might not think I am all that great but there are a lot of people who do.  I need to quit hanging my self esteem on the approval of someone who will never think I am enough.  It doesn't mean I am not enough, it just means one person is not enamored of me.  It's not an all or nothing deal.  Life is not black and white.  So he's never gonna realize what amazing things I have to offer...Big deal.  I am a work of art...original... bold... vibrant...priceless.  No one can put a value on me no matter how hard they try.  No one can determine my worth but me.  And I say I'm priceless!  There's nobody like me.  Sometimes, that's a good thing!  But sometimes, it's a damn shame.  The world might be a fun place with a few more of me!

TIRED (Blog)

TIRED!

I am tired of being used. 
I am tired of being bullied.
I am tired of being unappreciated.
I am tired of trusting and having my trust betrayed.
I am tired of being honest and being lied to.
I am tired of only being a plaything.
I tired of holding on only because I am afraid of being lonely again.
I believe I deserve better but I don't demand it.
I just keep giving and recieving only indifference.
I keep loving and and get back manipulation and scorn.
I keep waiting and only have wasted time and dark circles under my eyes to show for it.
I am just tired of it all!

Whore (Poem)

Whore

hands touch me against my will
I bat them away but they only hold me down
they penetrate every private part
I have no defense
I cry but no one hears
no one can help me drive these demons away
they are phantoms from the past
no real substance but what damage they do
I feel unclean
unworthy and unable
I hear the lies again
the cruel words that are my worst fear
And I still fear they will be true
Still feel they are sometimes true
Can never say they are without some trace of truth
for what I fear I have become
a slut
a whore with no conscience
only desiring to be desired
to please
to be a toy for whoever wants to play
and never saying no
because I feel I have no power
I feel I only have worth when
I am wanted