I can give myself 200 reasons to quit. I have lost faith in everything including myself. So why don't I just quit? What is that spark that keeps me going? Why am I still here?
One big spark and driving force is my son. I want to be a good mother for him. I don't want to let him down. But there are times when the thought of him just isn't enough. And yet, I don't quit.
Another big spark is my religious beliefs. I do believe in God. I do believe he has a plan. But there are times when I have doubts even he could love me. I think he should just give up on me even though he never has. And still I go on.
Is there some spark, some eternal part of me, some glorious gift of God that drives me? Is there really a plan and a purpose for my life that I am meant to fulfill before I go on to the next life? Can I really make a difference in anyone's life? Can I make a difference in mine?
I am not sure of the answer but I do know I am driven. Even at my lowest point I did not give up. Surely there is some reason why I can't give up. Surely there is some reason why I've experienced all I've experienced.
Almost every painful experience in my life has been used to help others. I've been given fine examples on how to live my life and the kind of person I want to be. It seems like the only thing holding me back is me.
I need to quit trying to protect myself and let go. I need to tap into that driving force and keep moving forward. I need to remind myself there is a plan. I want to love, laugh and live! I want to live my life in service of others. I want to make a difference.
And I will. This damn energizer bunny driving force won't allow me to do otherwise. Apparently quitting is NOT an option! I must have something important to do. I best get busy!!!!!
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