Two out of three... (BLOG)

I cried myself to sleep last night.  I don't remember the last time I've done that.  I was drifting off to sleep thinking of someone who makes me smile.  I was thinking it was a nice way to fall asleep. Then it happened.  My demons started taunting me.  I had an extremely vicious thought enter my brain...  YOU ARE ALONE.   And I couldn't dispute it, I was.

 I am surrounded by people who love me and care about me, but I feel so spirit crushingly alone.  In the small still hours of the night, I am all alone.  Nobody is there to hold, nobody is there to touch.

I've tried so hard to improve myself lately.  I've tried so hard to remain positive in spite of setbacks and heartbreaks.  But last night I just couldn't fight it.  I gave in and cried until I fell asleep from exhaustion. 

I've spent a good portion of my life lonely.  I never realized any of my positive attributes and I wasted what little youth and beauty I had.  I wasted all my love on someone who viewed it as nothing.

I know people like who I am.  I know I am a reasonably good person.  I know people care.  I know people are attracted to my personality and sense of fun.

But nobody is going look at this face and fall in love.  Nobody is going to look at my situation and take that on.  I am going to spend the rest of my nights alone.  That's how I feel.  And I just can't shake it. 

And that makes me feel defeated.  Because I've tried so hard not to feel this away again.  I've tried so hard to rise above my past.  But today I just can't.  And I feel like a failure.

I feel like I have nothing to entice a man but my sexual imagination.  I'm great with fantasy.  But I need reality.  And it's not going to happen.  And it's not that I blame them, I look at myself and I know I've got nothing to offer. 

I tried to be brave about it.  I tried not to care.  I tried having all the people that care about me and wish me well be enough.  But it's not.  I don't want to be alone.  And I am. 

The one thing I am holding on to is thinking this too shall pass.  I am hoping that I'll right myself again and just keep moving forward.  I've gone too far to give up and get stuck again.  I just have to stand.  I just have to breathe.  I just have to believe. 

Oh well, two out of three "ain't" bad.  :)