Packing up 16 years of stuff can really mess with your head. I feel like somebody died. If I really think about it somebody did. People have said to me that I feel so bad because it's the death of a marriage, death of hopes and dreams. But that died long ago. But they are right in that it is a death.
It's the death of a scared, unhappy, unfulfilled woman who , quite unfairly, will never be vindicated. She gave all, sacrificed all, just for the hope that someday, somehow he'd appreciate how much she loved him. Instead she was tossed out like trash and scorned, ridiculed and terrorized. It's not fair, it's not right, it's pathetic. So I am mourning. I am mourning the death of that very unhappy woman. I am sad that she will never get the love and appreciation she deserved. But out of her ashes is rising a much stronger, happier secure woman. And I swear her death will not be in vain.
I am also mourning the death of the man I loved. Perhaps that's not the right way to put it, because he never existed. The potential was there but never realized. And it's a "complete "waste! The man I loved was smart, funny, strong, and generous. That man could do anything. That man was worth devoting your life to. That man was a good Father and husband. It's a real shame he never existed. He could have, but other things were more important. "Money", outward appearance, control and the selfish empty pursuit of all things HIM, that's what really mattered. I almost feel sorry for him because he'll never get to know what's it like to really love someone and be loved in return. Because you can't be loved if you can't open up and let people in. And you can't love someone you control.
So yeah... I guess I have the right to be sad. And even though I am SO ready to get out of here, even though I am so happy to be free of the tyranny I lived under, and even though I can finally stop walking on eggshells afraid to be me, I still feel a bit sad leaving all that is familiar to head out to the unknown.
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