Guilt (POEM)

Guilt

I feel them closing in
Vines tangle up my legs
Round my body
In my hair

They bind around my chest
I can't breathe
I can't think
I am done for

Visions in my mind
Make it that much harder to breathe
I'd scream if I had any air
For all the good it would do

Crushing tightening no relief
I am driven to more destruction
More insanity
The cycle renews

I do not know how to stop
I just add more and more
There is no way to make me right again
I can only wait

Someday it will finish it's course
My last breath will be forced out
Vines then invading my body
Every orifice filled

A rather gruesome end
It's terrifying and hopeless
Feeling the progression
And waiting to die.

The Woman In the Mirror (POEM)

The Woman in the Mirror

who is this woman
staring at me in the mirror
what happened to the carefree spirit
the silly wacky weirdo that lived in this body
what bondage, what spell was I under?
Why did I give it all to someone who never cared
And now there is no way I will ever be vindicated
No way to ever make things right
I just have to take it
Just have to deal and go on
I want to find that lovely happy girl again
I want all that love and joy to flow freely once again
I search for her, is she still there
Should I mourn her and go on
Try to forge something good from the ashes
or can I rekindle the fire
Will she ever smile at me again in the mirror
Or will I always see this sad pale face
reproaching me for what was
and what I let happen
I want her back, I want to be free
I want that untamed, unbridled, passionate creature
to blink and stare and be pleased with her reflection
to feel satisfied with all she is and resigned to what she is not

Inconstant Musing (POEM)

 

Inconstant Musing

Trying  to open my mind,

To muses lost in time.

The ticking clock erases,

All their distant traces.

Eyes closed again I send,

Siren calls upon the wind.

They echo back alien, weird, and twisted,

And disappear like they never existed.

Ripples I see remind and taunt me,

Fleeting words that mock and haunt me.

I will my tongue at last to speak,

The honeyed words to make you weak.

But my muses remain cruel and fleeting,

Leave me silent only my heart beating.

(DAYS OF OUR SECOND LIFE) Episode Three: Meat Market!

OPENING MONOLOGUE:

SL IS Drama.  Some drama is just honest unfortunate blending of unsuited people.  Some is just malicious game playing and manipulation.  No matter the source or the reason drama drains us, distracts us and often holds us back from the future we dream of.
Unfortunately we can't totally avoid drama.  All we can do is seperate ourselves from the black holes.  You know, those people who live to suck the life out of you.
When I face a difficult situation I find if I can laugh, it all seems better.  Even if I am laughing at myself.  So here is my wink and nod at the drama of second life.  Often the drama in SL reminds me of a soap opera.  So here's mine:  DAYS OF OUR SECOND LIVES!!!!!
All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real avatars, living or dead, is probably spot on... cough cough I mean purely coincidental!  *winks*

Our last show left  MrRightThisSecond basksing in his own glory, Lynn dreaming of Pixel Babies, Veronica wishing for adulation, and Richard worried about the likelihood of his upcoming nuptials.

"Lynnnnnnn  Lynnnnnnn where are you?  I have something for you!" 

"Oh Richard what is it?" 

"It's an invitation to my wedding!  You'll come right?"

"So you are still going thru with it?"

"Of course I am... Veronica is my one lady love!"

"Then why do you look so pained when you say it?"

"Ahem Lynn."

Lynn turns around to see her MrRightThisSecond looking very annoyed.

"Oh Mr. what's the matter?  Did I forget to do something?  Did I not change my hair enough?  Was my blog about you not complimentary enough?  Did I BREATHE wrong?  Because I can do better I promise!"

Mr. patronizingly pats Lynn's head.  "It's alright dear.  You tried your best.  This just simply isn't working out.  I think you should go away now.  And think about what you didn't do that made me leave you.  And I of course already have someone else to wait on me hand and foot.  Her name's Cynthia and she knows everyone!  Including me.  Goodbye Lynn!"

Lynn sits down and sobs.  Richard bails and Lynn is left in her sorrow.  Then who should show up but Veronica.

"I never want to be friends with you again!  How could you be so stupid as to think you could keep a gem like Mr. interested in you?  If you just did as I said, this would never have happened!  Richard is bored of you and so I am.  We talked about it at length... with anyone who would listen.  They all agree.  You suck.  And don't even THINK about coming to our wedding!"

Veronica huffs off.  In her wake a beautiful woman walks up to Lynn.  "What's with the bitch?" she said.  Lynn laughs.

"She is a bitch isn't she?  I'm Lynn and I just got dumped by my guy and her."

"I'm Elizabeth.  And it's no loss as far as I am concerned.  There are plenty of fish in the SL sea!  I think you just need a trip to the Meat Market!"

"Meat Market?"

"Oh yes the Meat Market can bring you any kind of guy you dream of.  You want a rich guy... a subby guy... a masterful guy... a funny guy... you can find them all at the market.  Personally I think one is as good as another, but hey... I want to see you smile.  And what makes you smile more than a brand spanking new guy?  Are you in?"

Lynn nods.

As Elizabeth shows Lynn the Meat Market she is mesmerized.  Tons of men and women stand in one spot and just look at each other.  "Why don't people talk here Elizabeth?"

"Oh they are all IMing each other.  Don't worry you'll get your own IMs very soon."

Lynn looked and she had IMs from 6 different guys.  They all said the same thing... "Hello good looking wanna have sex?"  She clicked them all off without answering.  Then  one guy said, "You don't look like you belong here.  Why are you at the Meat Market?"

"Well my boyfriend dumped me and my good friend dumped me and this total stranger said I should come so I did."

I see... so are you looking for someone to tell you what to do?  Because I am very good at that.  You have to call me Sir and I'll call you girl but you'll love it.  I can read minds and I know what you need.  You need to spend every waking second thinking about what I need."

Lynn nodded.  "Yes I do!  You know me.. You really know me. " She started to walk over to GetYerAssOverHereBitch but Elizabeth stopped her! 

"Are you nuts?  You just got out of that type of relationship.  Why don't you try someone who makes you feel good about you?"

Lynn nodded... "Yes I would like that very much.  Someone to say nice things... and think I am great as I am... is there such a man?"

Elizabeth muttered, "I haven't found him yet." 

Before Lynn could answer she got another IM.  "Pardon me for intruding miss but you just looked so lovely I couldn't stop myself."

"Oh thank you!"

"I was wondering if there was anything I could do for you miss?  Anything at all?  I would love to be your footstool... if you'd like.  Just tell me what you want.. I'll do anything!"

"What I want?  I don't understand!"

"Yes what are your desires... your dreams... what would you like to do to me.  Nothing is too good for you Miss."

"Desires?  dreams?  I don't know what you are talking about!"

She whispered to Elizabeth, "He's scaring me... make him go away!"

Elizabeth looked bored and said, "SHOO!" 

MrI'llBeYourEverything ran away.

"Maybe I am not ready for the Meat Market..."

"Listen Lynn.  You are never going to get what you want if you don't know what you want.  Maybe you aren't ready for the Meat Market... but would you ever be?  Just have some fun... relax... that's what SL is all about.  Date a guy or two.  Juggle them... hell make em dance like puppies and give them dog treats if it makes you feel good.  Just do something fun... and for you."

"But what about their feelings?"

"What about them?  You are only responsible for your own feelings.  I am not saying trample their hearts.  You aren't the type.  I am just saying, don't let them trample yours.  Find someone who appreciates you.  Someone who makes you laugh."

"That guy looks funny."

"MrEverythingIsFunnyEvenWhenItIsn't?  If you like him... go talk to him!"

Elizabeth looks on with a pained face as Lynn giggles over and over and over at whatever the "funnyman" was saying.

"This girl needs a lot of work!!!!!!"

Will Lynn ever find the man she's searching for?  Will she ever stop laughing?  Will Elizabeth teach Lynn a thing or two?  And Will either of them go to Richard and Veronica's wedding?  Find out in the next exciting episode of....

DAYS OF OUR SECOND LIVES!

Dear (POEM)

Dear


My beloved Dear One,
You hold me in your headlights,
I stare mindlessly at your essence.

In the beginning I felt hunted,
How I loved the chase,
I loved being the prize you sought.

But now I am mesmerized,
Caught in your antlers,
I am not even afraid.

The trust shines in my eyes,
A gentle dumb creature I have become,
Not sensing the danger I feel safe.

A wild animal no longer,
I have been domesticated,
I have left my herd behind.

No bellow will you hear,
No desire to even mark my territory,
No need for nourishment I am full of you.

I am enticed by pheromones,
I have no desire to flee,
I will stay with you because...

Dear... you have my hart!

The Magic In Your Eyes (POEM)

The Magic In Your Eyes

I do not yearn for the days of my youth,
The carefree barefoot days I squandered,
There was much pain mixed in with naivety,
So much I would choose to forget.

I like the person I became,
I like the knowledge that I gained,
And the wrinkles that adorn my face,
Are evidence of the the life I lived.

The lessons learned joy and sadness mingled,
Each milestone marked as years went by,
Every thing that shaped who I am,
Is told in the lines of my face.

My only regret is with time and experience,
The stars that revealed the answers I quested,
Faded with each passing day,
And soon disappeared from my eyes.

I sometimes miss the warm summer nights,
Where I chased the unsuspecting firefly,
Their glow so much like stars,
That had fallen to earth.

I'd hold them in my hands a while,
And let the glow light my face,
And then I'd set them free,
To illuminate another childish face.

I did not want to hold them captive,
Their magic faded inside a jar,
Only flying free could they bestow,
Their evanescence to our human race.

I long to sit beneath the stars,
And find the knowledge that I once sought,
I yearn to hold a firefly in my palm,
And once again find in my face that magic glow.

I lost them when I stopped believing,
As each tragic moment chased them from my heart,
My heart grew hard and I gave in to darkness,
No light could penetrate the pit.

Any light that found it's way in my pit,
was soon extinguished no light could stay,
The magic faded in the jar,
That surrounded and protected my hardened heart.

And when I finally saw a tiny light,
Fluttering in my darkness,
I was mesmerized by it's glowing light,
I wanted to follow where it led.

I was curious as to what it was,
It's origin to me a mystery,
How could it shine when others had failed,
To bring light to my chosen abode of darkness.

It wasn't a star way up in the night sky,
That I should stare at it in adoration from afar,
Nor was it a firefly to be stalked and captured,
To be imprisoned in a jar just so I could keep it near.

And though it gave me answers to questions I sought,
And it gave me a glow to my saddened face,
This light was much more than stars or fireflies could ever be,
It was the magic I found shining in your eyes!

Pretty Little Lies (POEM)

Pretty Little Lies

Speak to me those pretty little lies,
Tell me what I want to hear when you look into my eyes,
I don't care that the words just aren't true,
I just want to feel like I am one with you.

You all lie and you all try to change me,
A lil here and there you completely rearrange me,
Just a nip just a tuck,
Then I'll be good enough to fuck.

I don't care anymore what you have to say,
It doesn't matter I've come to play,
Try as you might you'll never get to see,
The secret I keep deep inside of me.

You'll see what I show you, you'll see what I want,
You'll get what I give you and love what I flaunt,
But you'll never know me, you'll never get in,
You'll never control me or hurt me again.

Protection is the name of the game,
Never again burned by passion's flame,
Things will get steamy but I won't feel any pain,
The flames will lick all around with nothing to gain.

I'm all burnt out nothing but charred emotion,
So I can no longer feel hate or devotion,
My feelings are something I will no longer share,
I won't toss my treasures out into the air.

You can deal with anything if you know the score,
And my heart will never play the game anymore,
Nothing but playacting and manipulation driven by lust,
It doesn't matter the feeling it will always turn to dust.

So dance like a pagan, howl at the moon,
Indulge wanton hedonist, play your own tune,
Fuck me and use me like there's nothing you want more,
Just tell me those lies before you walk out the door.

The Puppet Master (POEM)

Puppet Master

You never took up for me although many others you defended,
You were a knight in shining armour to many you befriended.

You played me like a puppet and I let you pull the strings,
And all I ever wanted was to take fight and spread my wings.

You were always so ready to believe the worst in me,
You never really knew me, just who you wanted me to be.

People's worth you judged by what they could do for you,
Wheeling and dealing people's lives is what you loved to do.

You manipulated with barbs and hateful jibes, you triedto make me change,
You thought me too stupid to notice, you thought that my whole life I would rearrange.

And when I resisted, when I no longer fit your mold,
You began to hate me, your feelings soon grew cold.

And then you left me broken, wounded and bleeding on the floor,
You walked away without looking back and loudly shut thedoor.

Then you decided that we should still be friends,
Well I am sorry but this is where it ends.

I can no longer be pulled into your mire,
I refuse to be consumed by your fire.

Go find a new puppet, a new toy with which to play,
I'm tired of being a plaything I'm ending this today.

I'm walking out without looking back, I will not even cry,
I walk out with a brand new freedom and a twinkle in myeye.

So play your game with others, go get your needs met,
And I will leave this prison with no feeling of regret.

You might find it hard to replace a person who cared so much,
Or you might easily find someone willing do your bidding and be your crutch.

Either way you will never bring me any more heartbreak and disaster,
And thank God I have finally broken free from you the Puppet Master.

Snake In The Grass (POEM)

I wrote this years ago. I never made it public because it was too fresh and I didn't want to share what was going thru my head. I think enough time has passed to share this. Those who cared about what I am talking about in this poem have long moved on. And I think in putting it out there, I am putting it behind me and moving on.


Snake in the Grass

You think I don't know who you really are inside,
I know who you are and what you have done.
You think that you have pulled one over on me,
But I knew from the start how this would end.

You think you have people fooled and that you can do as you like,
But sooner or later it will come to light and people will know you for your deeds.
You lie to garner sympathy and to ruin people's lives,
to manipulate them into doing what you want.

And sure some people are stupid enough to believe you,
I never did, I just waited for you to mess up.
Instead you did your best to destroy me,
And I almost let you,
But you didn't beat me,
You only taught me a valuable lesson.

And you don't even know I know,
You are just trying to get what use you can out of me,
But I am not deceived.
Though you have taken something very important from me,
You actually did me a favor it seems.
And I'm going to be fine.
And I'm going to be better for the experience.

But you will be the same person you are,
You can only win others to you with untruth and deception,
Nobody cares for the real you because you never show them you.
And it's sad because you could be a really great person,
You have a lot of amazing gifts,
But you think you have to lie and use your body to gain what you want,
that nobody will ever love you for you.
Sad really.

I hope someday you can have the courage to be who you were meant to be,
that you stop all the lies and deceit and learn what a real friend is,
and to know the joy of truly caring about someone,
I really do.

And I am not perfect.
I know I have many many faults,
But I would never do to another what you have done to me.
I never deserved it.
And even though it hurts,
I still want to thank you,
Thank you for showing me what a real friend is not.

I Could Never Say (POEM)

 

 

I could never say

 

I saw you in my mind magnificent and regal in all your
glory
You had breath, life, energy
I tried to write you into being

 

I tried to give you form and substance
But you lay dead on the paper
Sterile, cold and unfeeling

 

I felt your warmth and you shined in my heart
But you remained lifeless chiding me with your empty eyes
I had no defense I could not make you real

 

I couldn't play the meter and rhyme of your existence
You rebuked me with your bloodless corpse
Wagging your finger at my frustration

 

Your reflection in the frozen ice that surrounded you
Showed your inner beauty and light
The warm glow revealed what you could be

 

But you were not
Only an illusion
No one else can ever see

 

No one else can share that passing thought
That un-captured feeling that raced around my brain
I have trapped you in the cavernous crevices of my mind

 

You cursed me for my ineptitude
You wailed for your beauty wasted
You screamed because the loneliness was unbearable

 

You understood that there was no way out
You gave me one last reproachful look
And faded away leaving only dead words on a paper

 

I crumbled you into a wad, threw you away
I mourned the loss of utterance
I walked away and tried to forget

 

But I am always haunted by words
I could never say.

Audience (POEM)

Audience

 

I am never alone
They await my performance
Always pondering my every move
The faceless voiceless audience that drives me

 

They consume me, measure me, define me
Every moment and experience is nothing unless
it is shared
I'm bound by this overwhelming need to connect
I am nothing without reflection

 

Without an audience I don't exist
It matters not if the report be good or bad
I just need to see some reflection of myself
That reflection... that mist on the mirror
is proof of life

 

I change with each person
I seek to be what they want me to be
Strive to live up to what they think I will
Expect to disappoint and expect rejection at every turn

 

High on feedback I'll do anything for the next fix
Like a puppy I beg for a pat on the head
I am worthwhile only if I have notice
I hide in the shadows and curse that no one sees me

 

I don't love myself and cry when I am unloved
I sabotage myself and wonder why I get no where
I can't see beyond my own misery
I can't even define myself

 

I mindlessly pander to and fear the merciless audience that spawns me
Holding my breath, ready to change anything at the drop of a hat,
I await my review



TEACH ME GOD (Poem)

TEACH ME GOD
                     
              God lover of my soul:
                Teach me to be a flame,
                  A flame that reflects your love.
                Teach me to look for beauty in all the world,
                  Because all you make, has beauty.
            
 
              God creator of Heaven:
                Teach me to see your will in my life,
                  To do things that lift you up.
                Teach me to help someone in need,
                  To refrain from predjudice and injustice.
 
 
              God Lord of my life:
                Teach me to be open to change,
                  To be open to new ideas.
                Teach me to pray and to praise you,
                  To be greatful to be happy, to have faith in you.
 
 
              God gracious and divine:
                Teach me to forgive,
                Teach me...
                  To be like You!

Mind Vs Body (POEM)

Mind vs Body

My body knows that the touch of your skin is warm comforting and exciting
My mind knows that you are repulsed by me

My body knows that you know how to touch me, to make me feel sensual and alive
My mind knows you’d rather look at women who look so much better than me

My body knows that I feel fantastic when we make love, I radiate happiness, I glow
My mind knows I will soon feel lonely and ashamed again

My body knows that I can make you feel good, that I can make you happy, just for a moment
My mind knows that you are not even thinking of me when we are together

My body knows no sadness, only sensation, only pleasure
My mind knows only sadness, only pain.

My body doesn’t want to know what my mind knows
My mind just wants to be free.

STANDING BENEATH THE WEDDING TREE (POEM)

We have a tree in our yard.  We as a family call it The Wedding Tree.  Three seasons out of the year it is unremarkable.  But in the spring it bears the most beautiful white blooms.  And then the blooms turn pink and fall to the ground.  It's a magical experience to stand beneath this tree and watch the blooms fall.

Standing beneath the Wedding Tree
 
Gossamer strands of pink and white fall quietly to the earth
Peace envelopes my consciousness I’m filled with a feeling of mirth.
 
I stare in wonder and awe as each strand kisses the ground,
I watch with the eyes of a child as the strands float all around.
 
I am transported to somewhere I had forgotten long ago,
I am taken to a place that I wish once again to know.
 
I hold my breath as time stops everything is quiet and at peace,
I am filled with elation,  it seems that the moment will never cease.
 
I float on a feeling of rapture just like the gossamer strands falling free,
For a moment I let it all go, I allow myself to be truly me.
 
I am light as a feather and now I have no chains that bind
To unhappiness and reality I find I have become blind.
 
And then I feel a tug, a slight pull, a sweet little call
I look into the eyes of my children as they watch the strands fall.
 
And I’m moved by the happy picture that shines on their awe filled faces
And I know that they too have been transported therel to one of my favorite places.

 
And I’m satisfied with just being, satisfied with this precious moment in time,
I know that at this moment, the world is right. It is filled with music and rhyme.
 
And the very best part of this moment is the fact that I can share,
I can share with my children, this moment both treasured and rare.
 
And when I am not with them, they can recall this moment together,
This moment will be remembered, and cherished between us forever.

End Note:  Like My Marriage, The Wedding Tree is no More.  It was cut down.  But I shall cherish the memory forever.  I found a similiar tree in SL with the blooms floating down.  It made me happy to once again to stand beneath the Wedding Tree...  *smiles*