So I am doing a lot of thinking. So many thoughts are flying thru my head, I can't even get them all down before they leave the way they came. I am trying to record the really important ones but it's hard to keep up.
There's so much that I am learning about who I am, who I was, and what I want to be. I am totally rearranging how I want to approach the world from now on. It's exciting and a bit scary as well.
I have a peace I haven't had in a long time. I have so many choices and so much I have to get done, I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed. The old Jen could not have taken any of this on because she didn't believe she could. But this new me, this new creature I am learning to live with, she tells me she can do a lot. She tells me I'm in for a hell of a ride.
*holds on tight* Let's see what happens!
So many voices in my head. So much guilt and regret. I can't shake it. Insecurity plagues me. I sometimes just want to quit! Somehow I always muster up enough strength to go on. Today I am wondering... why?
I can give myself 200 reasons to quit. I have lost faith in everything including myself. So why don't I just quit? What is that spark that keeps me going? Why am I still here?
One big spark and driving force is my son. I want to be a good mother for him. I don't want to let him down. But there are times when the thought of him just isn't enough. And yet, I don't quit.
Another big spark is my religious beliefs. I do believe in God. I do believe he has a plan. But there are times when I have doubts even he could love me. I think he should just give up on me even though he never has. And still I go on.
Is there some spark, some eternal part of me, some glorious gift of God that drives me? Is there really a plan and a purpose for my life that I am meant to fulfill before I go on to the next life? Can I really make a difference in anyone's life? Can I make a difference in mine?
I am not sure of the answer but I do know I am driven. Even at my lowest point I did not give up. Surely there is some reason why I can't give up. Surely there is some reason why I've experienced all I've experienced.
Almost every painful experience in my life has been used to help others. I've been given fine examples on how to live my life and the kind of person I want to be. It seems like the only thing holding me back is me.
I need to quit trying to protect myself and let go. I need to tap into that driving force and keep moving forward. I need to remind myself there is a plan. I want to love, laugh and live! I want to live my life in service of others. I want to make a difference.
And I will. This damn energizer bunny driving force won't allow me to do otherwise. Apparently quitting is NOT an option! I must have something important to do. I best get busy!!!!!
I cried myself to sleep last night. I don't remember the last time I've done that. I was drifting off to sleep thinking of someone who makes me smile. I was thinking it was a nice way to fall asleep. Then it happened. My demons started taunting me. I had an extremely vicious thought enter my brain... YOU ARE ALONE. And I couldn't dispute it, I was.
I am surrounded by people who love me and care about me, but I feel so spirit crushingly alone. In the small still hours of the night, I am all alone. Nobody is there to hold, nobody is there to touch.
I've tried so hard to improve myself lately. I've tried so hard to remain positive in spite of setbacks and heartbreaks. But last night I just couldn't fight it. I gave in and cried until I fell asleep from exhaustion.
I've spent a good portion of my life lonely. I never realized any of my positive attributes and I wasted what little youth and beauty I had. I wasted all my love on someone who viewed it as nothing.
I know people like who I am. I know I am a reasonably good person. I know people care. I know people are attracted to my personality and sense of fun.
But nobody is going look at this face and fall in love. Nobody is going to look at my situation and take that on. I am going to spend the rest of my nights alone. That's how I feel. And I just can't shake it.
And that makes me feel defeated. Because I've tried so hard not to feel this away again. I've tried so hard to rise above my past. But today I just can't. And I feel like a failure.
I feel like I have nothing to entice a man but my sexual imagination. I'm great with fantasy. But I need reality. And it's not going to happen. And it's not that I blame them, I look at myself and I know I've got nothing to offer.
I tried to be brave about it. I tried not to care. I tried having all the people that care about me and wish me well be enough. But it's not. I don't want to be alone. And I am.
The one thing I am holding on to is thinking this too shall pass. I am hoping that I'll right myself again and just keep moving forward. I've gone too far to give up and get stuck again. I just have to stand. I just have to breathe. I just have to believe.
Oh well, two out of three "ain't" bad. :)
So you read the title scrambled eggs and you see a picture of me riding a turtle. Makes sense... yeah? *shakes head vigorously !NO!* Well don't worry... I did not make an omelet with turtle eggs! !WHEW!
I've been in a very fragile state these days not unlike an egg. And my brain has been very scrambled lately... so I named this blog post scrambled eggs. Kind of how I feel... broken... scrambled...cooked in hell fire... and then eaten.
My emotions have been beating the hell out of me for a good two weeks now. Ever since I started packing up my life to leave this house. And I HATE this house. I hate the memories in this house. But I still feel completely, unbearably, crushingly sad to leave it. I know it's because I am most terrified of the unknown. I like knowing what will happen, I like having a plan. And I don't have one. Everything is rushed and up in the air. I have no "job." I have very little income and too many hands out wanting paid. I have a good deal of dinero coming my way but it will take a couple months for me to get it. And in the meantime I am getting farther and farther in debt. I feel hopeless.
So yesterday, crying, feeling hopeless, and wishing I had someone to hold me I go into SL. (doesn't everyone?) I "start" talking to my good buddy Feesh. He's very grounding, and doesn't get alarmed at anything. He talks me down off the ledge I'm on and suggests we go swimming. So we dive, swim around, and look like frogs with our legs kicking when we stop to look at something. Good fun. I see some sharks and try to sit on them so I can ride them. No go. I try the turtle. No go. For some reason, I feel the urge to try again. And voila! I am riding a turtle. And I have no control where the little guy is taking me. I just have go along for the ride. It was fun! It made me laugh.
I may not have chosen to be where I am now. But I have to just keep going. And when things don't work, try again. Not always being in control can lead me to some fun places if I am brave enough to let go and give it whirl.
Thanks to all my friends who are being so wonderful to me in this transitional time in my life. And especially thanks to Feesh for helping me get my equilibrium back yesterday.
Desperation
I'm desperate for clarity
Desperate to know,
Desperate for understanding,
Desperate to show.
I'm desperate for passion,
Desperate to feel,
Desperate for connection,
Desperate for something real.
I'm desperate for Change,
Desperate to improve,
Desperate to avoid the darkness,
Desperate to begin to move.
I'm desperate for happiness,
Desperate to be at peace,
Desperate for serenity,
Desperate for pain to cease.
I'm desperate for security,
Desperate to be safely guarded,
Desperate to feel comfort,
Desperate to be kept and not discarded.
I'm desperate for someone to love me,
Desperate to be esteemed,
Desperate to be cherished,
Desperate to be redeemed.
I'm desperate to avoid destruction,
Desperate to become whole,
Desperate to be worthwhile,
Desperate to save my soul.
I'm desperate for an answer,
Desperate for to finally see,
Desperate for things to make sense,
Desperate to be me!
Contemplation
Deep thoughts intrude when I want to sleep,
Unwelcome truths visit me in my dreams,
There is no escape from what my conscience tells me,
Justification is just empty distraction.
I know right from wrong,
I know what I SHOULD do,
I also know what I will do,
Procrastination is just me holding back in trepidation.
My feelings and actions are at war,
My heart and mind bitter enemies,
I think I know how it will all end, and yet,
Prediction is just my attempt at fate "modification."
I crush my own spirit again and again,
I do the opposite of what I should,
I let people in who will only kill my soul,
Self destruction is just my punishment for imperfection.
I tell myself lies to make myself feel better,
I lie to loved ones so they won't worry,
I keep hoping I'll convince myself, but,
Deception is just my prevention of self examination.
The time will come when I have to face it,
Choices that will define me will have to be made,
Then all will know what I am made of, because,
Revelation is just action exibition.
Until then I live in the meantime,
I don't look forward just live day by day,
Until I can believe in and have hope for a future,
Imobolization is just my current life destination.
Safety Net
I found you lying in my dresser while I was cleaning it out,
My safety net, lying there waiting to be used,
You kept from going mad and gave me strength each day to go on.
I repeated to myself time and again... just one more day,
Just one more hour, just one more breath.
If I can't face it, I have my safety net, I have a way out.
And I would go on, face another day, and live.
I held you in my hand, nothing about you had changed.
You were still plastic, still round,
Still full of pills, and not one missing.
You still held the same potential to give me a way out.
You still held the same potential to end my hopeless life.
Part of me thinks I should just toss you out,
But somehow I can't.
Because your meaning to me has completely changed.
I no longer long to make use of your protection.
I no longer need a safety net to face tomorrow.
You are no longer my safety net,
You are a symbol of how far I've come,
Of how much I've grown,
And how much I now want to live.
You remind me how fragile life is.
You remind me how close I came to destruction.
How close I came to destroying not just me, but those I love,
I never wanted to hurt anyone, only wanted to prevent more pain,
I Thought you might be better with me gone, but deep down I knew,
We are all interconnected, each choice effects another.
Each choice changes our world.
I never told a soul you existed.
I never told anyone the dark thoughts nesting in my brain,
Of the ice around my heart, the constant pain I felt.
I knew they'd make me get rid of you, make me try to walk,
They'd make me face my life with no way out,
They'd make me tightrope without my safety net below.
I was not that brave or coordinated.
Now I think I could tightrope, I could trapeze,
I could soar or tumble all without a net.
Because I have a greater hope than any found in your bottle.
I know I am in the hands of a greater "power",
A greater "power who wants only good things for me.
How wise he was, How much he loved me.
How well he knew me, He actually used a bottle of pills
To save my life.
