Wednesday, November 17, 2021

Free (BLOG)



  Free?

 

Sometimes you just have to let go.  Sometimes the drama is JUST not worth it.  No ammount of loyalty or fun is worth ending up feeling bad about yourself.

Some people just can't be friends, some people just can't gel.  You can love someone but still have to part because you just can't get along.

It's never easy to let go of someone you love.  But if it's for the best for both of you, it's something you have to do.  If you
are toxic to each other or even if just one of you is toxic.  You
just need walk away.  No clinging to the past.  No remembering times when you felt things were special.  JUST. WALK. AWAY!

 

I hope someday I learn this lesson.

It's good to be the king.

It's Good To Be the King

 

You have the world at your feet
surrounded by empty adulation
a mere crook of your finger would bring me near
but you never bid me.
 

So tonight a door closed
Another opened and I walked on thru
It was amazing how easy it was
Nothing more than a kind word
brightening my day
no price to be paid for the kindness
no chains no expectations nothing to bind me
just someone actually enjoying my company
enjoying me as I am and was meant to be.
 

I doubt you will even notice my absence
You never appreciated my presence
Hard to notice or appreciate anything
when you have the attention span of an goldfish.
Your have a terminal case of somethingshinyitis
You'll never know the value of anything
because you have it all thrown at your feet
worshipped by your gaggle of sycophants.
 

Maybe one of them will tell you what that means
or help you spell it so you can look it up
but you've probably already forgotten what was said
moved on to the next shiny tinfoil covered thing
which shall be used and discarded
but they will still come back for more
 

Because you are the king.
It's good to be the king
or so I hear.
I'm glad to be a peasant
I may not sparkle and shine
but I know the value
of even the tiniest scrap of tinfoil
crushed underneath your feet.

Friday, May 3, 2019

(Days of our Second Lives) EPISODE FOUR: Playtime!

OPENING MONOLOGUE:

SL IS Drama.  Some drama is just honest unfortunate blending of unsuited people.  Some is just malicious game playing and manipulation.  No matter the source or the reason drama drains us, distracts us and often holds us back from the future we dream of.
Unfortunately we can't totally avoid drama.  All we can do is seperate ourselves from the black holes.  You know, those people who live to suck the life out of you.
When I face a difficult situation I find if I can laugh, it all seems better.  Even if I am laughing at myself.  So here is my wink and nod at the drama of second life.  Often the drama in SL reminds me of a soap opera.  So here's mine:  DAYS OF OUR SECOND LIVES!!!!!
All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real avatars, living or dead, is probably spot on... cough cough I mean purely coincidental!  *winks*

Our last episode left Lynn searching for a new man and laughing.. a lot!  Elizabeth on the other hand, was not amused...

LYNN!  If you ever get done laughing... I think we have a wedding to go to.

But... But... Veronica said not to go to her wedding.

And Richard wants you to be there.  You are Richard's friend right?

Well yeah... but Veronica said not to go to her wedding.

Do you do everything Veronica says?

NOT ANYMORE!  Come on Elizabeth we have a wedding to go to!

That's my girl!  And hey if we get thrown out, or she throws one of her classic fits, that'll just make her look bad.  Win win!

Veronica walks up.  Just what do you think you are doing here?  And who is your "friend."  She looks charming.

Richard invited me Veronica.  If you don't like it talk to him!

Oh trust me I will with a very shrill scream she yells...

 RICHARDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!!!

Yes my love?

Why is SHE here?

I invited her.  She's my friend.

I want her OUT!  OUT OUT OUT!  Stomps foot.

Everyone stares at Veronica.

She huffs but says...FINE but you say one word or mess up my wedding.  I will end you!


Lynn salutes.  Elizabeth mouths "End you?"  and dies laughing.

After laughing during the entire wedding Elizabeth and Lynn try to decide what to do. 

I'm bored Elizabeth.  I want to do something new.

We could go to the beast forest and ask for directions to the vet.

We did that last week.

We could go to an adult sim and ask for directions to 33rd street.

We did that yesterday!

We could go to a nude beach and heckle the sex-ters

We did that Friday!

We could go the the sex bed store with a group... dressed in animal pajamas and try the six-some settings.

We did that Thursday and they asked us never to come back.

Well what haven't we done?

We haven't rp'd yet.

Oh please those people take themselves way too seriously.  And they get all offended it you don't follow their rules and scripts.  And who wants to perv all the profiles looking for hard limits?

I don't know it's something new.  We could try the urbane scene. 

Oh yeah I wanna get raped or a cap put in my ass... sounds great.

The demon scene?

They want to eat me.

The zombie scene? 

Ewwww they smell.

The pirate scene?

All they want is booty!

Werewolves?

They bite.

Vampires?  No No let me guess... They suck?

*giggles*  Actually vampires might be fun.

Are you kidding me?

No no listen... I have a great idea.  We go right into a big bunch of them in pizza girl outfits and say...  Who ordered steak tartar?

Sighs.

What you don't want to?

Oh no I want to go!


Elizabeth this place is kind of creepy.  Maybe we should turn back.

No Lynn it's perfect.  This is their club.  It's an OOC zone and we can check out the patrons before we dive right in.  And maybe we can scope out some exit strategies.  Unless you want to be a vampire...

Well it might be cool.  Vampires have that magnetic sexual quality to them. 

Real Vampires might ... wannabe Vampires not so much.

Well this guy is really cool and sweet.

Who King Fangboy?

Yes... he's just cool.

Oh KF!  Over here!  Look at me!

Elizabeth looks pained and says, "Where did I go wrong?  Has she learned NOTHING?  Pssst  Lynn what are you doing?   You are making a fool of yourself!  If you keep that up I'll be forced to stop being your friend!"

"But Elizabeth.  He thinks I am special.  He appreciates all I do for him."

Elizabeth raises her eyebrows.  "Yes and he appreciates what No self respect girl does for him... and deluded girl does for him... and really bad girl does for him... and what ice queen does for him and he probably even appreciates what Ms tempest in a teapot does for him too!"

"But he wants me to be a part of the clan."

"He wants loyalty and adoration get real!"

"Oh so you think they just want to use me.  That they don't care anything about me!"

"Yes Lynn I do.  They say you are a part of the clan but you are not really."

"You are wrong!"

"Oh really?  Half the time they forget you exist! And why do you care?  All they do is talk about the same thing night after night and food?  Do you really enjoying about talking about food?  Watch the food network!!! Geeeeze!"

"So you think I should cut down a bit on how much time I spend here?"

Elizabeth screams in frustration and teleports away.

"Was it something I said?  *shrugs*  Oh Fangboy... Hey Fangboy... please look at me!  I am here!  See?  Right over.. here?  Can I do anything for you?  Oh... I see you are busy.  I'll wait."
Sits quiet waiting.














Saturday, May 2, 2015

Never Was (POEM)

Never was
______________________________________________

Grieving for someone who doesn't exist
mourning a love that never was
crying longing for someone who never had breath
who only existed in my mind
my superhero turned out to be
ordinary flesh and blood
when they fell from the pedastal they were broken
mangled beyond repair
And the person that rose from the wreckage
bore no resemblance to the person I loved
a grinning macabre effigy of the man I trusted
And i have to pretend it's all the same
nothing has changed
but everything has
and i have to mourn in silence
for the person who meant everything
And never existed

Nothing (POEM)

Nothing
__________________________________________

not even a ripple was made
as I left your life
no tears were shed
not even a breath of air
covered your face
no change at all
No difference from one
moment to the next
but to me
the world grew dark
a gaping hole sucked me down
back into the pit
no light to guide me home
Just silence and the echoes
of laughter from your world
Which went on without me

Drain Me (POEM)

Drain me
__________________________________

Enjoy it all every last ounce
Leave nothing, have your fill
Hollow desires forsaken and vacant
The time has come for the next step
I am tired and weary
Exhausted beyond comprehension
So when you depart just leave me empty
Do not be afraid to take all you need and more
And when the last drop is finally gone
I shall at last find peace

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Of Little Value (POEM)



Of Little Value
_____________________________________________________
No value placed on
What was freely given
Gift though it might
Have been.
_____________________________________________________
Wrapped in shiny paper and bow
It counted for nothing
Tossed to the ground
A mere distraction
To pass the time.
_____________________________________________________
It was never even opened
Just glanced at and
Discarded when another
Shiny object was placed
Into apathetic hands.
_____________________________________________________
Thanks were given
All the courtesies observed
But all thought of the gift
Gone in the blink of an eye
Forgotten before it
Reached the ground.
_____________________________________________________
Solitary it lays
A cruel reminder of
My insignificance.

Absence (POEM)

Absence

pounding torrents
roll over me
...
reminding me
of what I have not
creating bitterness
and regret
the pitter patter
of thankful raindrops
for what I do have
don't seem to register
because absence
is louder than presence

 

 
 

Erasure (POEM)

Erasure

If I could go back in time
And never meet you
Get close to you
...
Or let you in
Without a backward glance
I would wipe you
From my existence

 

Free (POEM)

 Free

Once tethered here
Release shall come
Regrets shall evaporate
...
It shall be done
And as a ripple in a pond
The impact made will fade away
Forgotten and left as before
No memory of the shackled soul
That resided in this space

 

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

TIRED (BLOG)



So there's a picture I saw.. has the dos equis(sp) dude on it... and it says this:

I don't always fall in love but when I do... I do it with a completely wrong person and then fuck up my life a good deal because I am obviously retarded.  I don't like the word retarded so I replace it with... I am obviously a moron.   Then it's pretty accurate for me.

I always choose the one person who I will never be good enough for.  And then I do everything I possibly can to drive them far away from me.  And then if that doesn't work...  I find something to get mad about... blow it out of proportion and walk away.  A very fucked up form of protection.

Getting perilously close to the walking away stage.  Not that the person even knows...  they don't even notice I am alive unless I am right in front of their faces waving "look at me look at me!"  My arms are tired.  And my heart is tired.  I wish I could give it a rest. 

Friday, May 23, 2014

Return (POEM)

Return

Ethereal mist replaces
What once was.
What is
Now intangible,
Forever out of reach.
Locked once more
In the deep quiet darkness.
Desolate as it may be,
The comfort of the familiar,
Makes it home.


Friday, April 25, 2014

Unrequited (POEM)





Unrequited


I know I'll never have your love as I wish
And yet it doesn't change how I feel
I am not deluded, I am simply lost in you

It makes me sad to bestow this feeling on
Someone who can never return my affection
But try as I might I cannot walk away

My greatest desire is your happiness
Even at the expense of my own
No request of yours would I refuse

I want to be free, But these prison walls hold me tight
The saddest thing is you would not have me caged
I have caged myself and cannot find the key to escape

it's agony to watch, to view my insignificance
I hate myself for my weakness, For my submission
I find myself on my knees all alone in my misery

what hurts most is the misery is my own making
If I could be satisfied in just your good opinion
But I want your adoration and that will never be

You care for me, in truth you think more of me than I do
I should be happy and content just knowing the good you see in me
But I want you to more than like me I want you to cherish me

I wonder if it's just me, unable to be pleased
Am I not capable of satisfaction and contentment?
Do I want more than is possible for me?

It is not totally without joy this love of mine
I am happy when you are, when your happiness shines
It seems worth it for a while when you are content

I am aware of the power of love, and what a precious gift it can be
I know of its healing power and the charm in affection
And the pain of deprivation doesn't negate the beauty of love

Love does not return void, any true love uplifts
But when unrequited the uplifting is one sided
And the giving side is a cross heavy to bear

I want to go... I want to stay
I want to make your life better I want to run
I pack my bags, prepare to fly and then

You smile and tell me how special I am
What a good friend I have been to you
And I unpack again knowing

As long as you need me
As long as you still see good in me
I shall be here for you.

Eradication (POEM)





ERADICATION

Aeons of disappointment,
Weary of the light,
I wish to be extinguished,
To burn myself out,
To hide myself in darkness,
 
Sweet oblivion!
 
So many before,
So many choices,
But none have created the spark,
No consuming fire,
Only embers,
Brief fires, brief respite,
But no quenching fire,
The world is as it was again,
No phoenix rises from the ashes. 
 
I long for a new world,
A fire to burn me inside out,
To burn anyone that comes in my path,
To cleanse them in the searing fire,
To forge a new world,
To set ablaze my heart and mind. 
 
Consummation a furious white heat,
Red hot embers smolder at the scorching kiss,
It spawns A Phoenix to rise from the ashes,
More powerful than the creature before,
The whole is greater than the sum of the predecessor.
 
Engulfed in searing flame,
Branded by the frenzied proclivity,
Radiated by the simmering voracity,
Everything burns in its wake. 
 
How little defense my battered heart,
I fear there is no escape and all will be consumed,
I am engulfed I rise to discover,
Only that which is fireproof remains,
My fire is not gone,
Fire cannot burn fire no matter how hot it burns. 
 
I realize that when fire met fire the union  produced,
An immense blaze burning away the superfluous relics
I clung to.
Only the pure basic primal instincts remained,
The core the fundamental components that,
Encased my being, my true heart and soul,
Endured. 
 
And now I begin again!

Release (POEM)













Release

what would happen if I released
the stranglehold I keep on myself?
what woudl happen if I ever
really let go?
Would my world crumble?
would all my relationships falter?
would anything happen at all?
would I dance naked like a pagan
in the night?
would I grab an unsuspecting victim
and satiate my lust on them?
would some horrible wretched creature
come crawling out of my brain
destroying all in it's path?
Or would I finally
for once in my life
be able to breathe?


Safe Inside My Mind (POEM)



Safe Inside My Mind


wrapped up in a borrowed blanket resting my head
on a borrowed pillow sleeping on the floor
I find more peace here than in my memory foam,
mattressed, satin sheeted bed where I sleep
all alone
I know it is not my space
I know you don't really want me here
But sleeping in your floor I can pretend
I can feel safe
protected
and cared for
I don't feel so alone
even though you never join me here
I feel your presence,
 feel the sense of you
that invades this tiny space
and the fact that you let me stay
and never complain that I am imposing
makes this space more precious
makes me want to stay longer
it doesn't matter that it's all in my mind
that I close my eyes to pretend  it's a real
space I can hide in
it feels as real to me as the
tears that flow down my face
when I wake up the next day
safe and secure in my empty bed

Flying Leap (POEM)



I took a whole heck of a lot of poetic license with this poem.  Someone did say something very similar to me but I really just wanted to express my feeling of wanting to feel alive and to do something daring more than anything.

Flying Leap

You told me to take care
that is was not safe or wise to
tempt someone as dangerous as you
I am not afraid of you
I would welcome the risk
would love to dance on the edge
and love to fall to the rocks below
the end would not be pretty
but the ride down makes me
want to jump again and again
safety is a prison where
nothing exciting ever happens
I want to feel my blood race
I want to feel alive
So thanks for the warning but
I think it's a nice day
to take a flying leap!

Drowsy Reflections (POEM)

Drowsy Reflections

Tucked away in my quiet little haven,
I dream  the universe vast and wide,
I watch the passage of years,
I am in and out of time,
I awake at the exact moment I started,
Was it real or just a dream?
I lay down once more,And the cycle renews.


Friday, August 9, 2013

Guilt (POEM)



Guilt

I feel them closing in
Vines tangle up my legs
Round my body
In my hair


They bind around my chest
I can't breathe
I can't think
I am done for


Visions in my mind
Make it that much harder to breathe
I'd scream if I had any air
For all the good it would do


Crushing tightening no relief
I am driven to more destruction
More insanity
The cycle renews


I do not know how to stop
I just add more and more
There is no way to make me right again
I can only wait


Someday it will finish it's course
My last breath will be forced out
Vines then invading my body
Every orifice filled


A rather gruesome end
It's terrifying and hopeless
Feeling the progression
And waiting to die.

The Woman In the Mirror (POEM)



The Woman in the Mirror

who is this woman
staring at me in the mirror
what happened to the carefree spirit
the silly wacky weirdo that lived in this body
what bondage, what spell was I under?
Why did I give it all to someone who never cared
And now there is no way I will ever be vindicated
No way to ever make things right
I just have to take it
Just have to deal and go on
I want to find that lovely happy girl again
I want all that love and joy to flow freely once again
I search for her, is she still there
Should I mourn her and go on
Try to forge something good from the ashes
or can I rekindle the fire
Will she ever smile at me again in the mirror
Or will I always see this sad pale face
reproaching me for what was
and what I let happen
I want her back, I want to be free
I want that untamed, unbridled, passionate creature
to blink and stare and be pleased with her reflection
to feel satisfied with all she is and resigned to what she is not