Scars (Poem)

Scars

You never hit me once,

You never left a bruise.
but you still made a mark
some scars are invisible.

Words like poison

You forced down my throat
the only reason for them
to make me cry
to make me do things Your way.

You choked me with silence,

with indifference
with ridicule
to make me be quiet.

You starved me withholding affection

You pushed me away
You locked me out
to make me feel small and worthless.

You were never satisfied

nothing was good enough
everyone,especially me,was beneath You,
to make me feel unimportant.

You never listened to anyone

nobody had a worthwile opinion but You
nothing I said was considered
to make me feel stupid.

Nothing happened except at Your convenience

Nobody's time was important
Nobody mattered but You
to make me feel invisible.

You belittled my interests

scorned my religion
made me feel everything about me was wrong
to make me doubt my worth.

You were irritated by my singing

You laughed at my writing
You hated all the good things about me
to make me change all I was.

You dismissed my contributions

Never appreciated anything I did
Never even cared one way or the other
to make me try harder to please You.

You tried to kill all that was me

Tried to make me feel I was defective
Tried to make me into Your robot slave
to make YOU feel better about You

I eventually gave up on everything

didn't even want to live
and you still tormented me
to make me end my life.

You waited till the last second

to take me to the hospital
You hoped I'd die, was disappointed when I didn't
You made me wish I had.

You sent away my family

laughed at my weakness
never lifted a finger to help me
to repay me for not dying.

When I chose to live

You decided to find another person to torment
To find someone easier to mold into your ideal
I no longer had any thing left to give you.

You said you couldn't stand to be seen with me

You were disgusted by how fat I was
You found me old, ugly and hideous
to make me feel repulsive.

You screamed at me about the bills

What it cost to keep me alive
You humiliated me at every opportunity
to make me feel like a burden.

And when I realized what you had almost done
when I saw I was not who you saw me as
When I saw you for what You were
you said you hated me.

You thought you broke me

you thought you tossed me out like trash
you thought you sucked all the life out of me
But you only set me free.

The scars will remind me

That I can survive
That I am more than I thought
That all that is me isn't destroyed and will remain.

I would never know how precious I am

Would never know what I can withstand
Never known the best of me
if you had not tried to destroy it.

So I'll wear these scars as a badge of honor

Use my experiences to treat others with compassion
Encourage others to avoid this fate
And never let anyone have that much "power" over me again!


The Waterfall (Poem)

Another poem I found while packing and tossing...

The Waterfall

I sit quietly staring into the water, seeking comfort, solace, a hiding place,
I dream of how I wish things could be, I stare dreamily off into space.

A pair of piercing eyes haunt my mind,
Passion meets passion and conscience becomes blind.

I wait for the moment to say how I feel,
But I know it's only a dream, I know it isn't real.

I know it isn't right but I am tempted still,
To quench my thirst and drink my fill.

And yet I pause on the water's edge because I know
One moment of pleasure would bring years of woe.

One doesn't balance the other inequity abounds,
Temptation haunts me and desire confounds.

Once again I search the water for serenity and peace,
One again my heart is filled with unease.

What I feel for you I can't describe even to myself,
Much better if I hide it, put it far back on a shelf.

Then I don't have to worry, I don't have to deal,
I don't have to face it, I can deny what I feel.

I won't have to feel guilt or beg forgiveness then,
I won't have to fail God again and again.

But my reflection in the water tells me more than I want to know,
Bound by friendship I know I can't have you, yet I can't let you go.

Your friendship is precious a treasured gift,
A solid place amidst the drift.

There can be no more than that but the temptation still exists, still resides,
Always below the surface, in darkness and frustration it hides.

Bubbling beneath the surface, looking for a chance to spring,
Keeping it in check is not always a simple thing,

Yet I go on with life like nothing is happening at all,
And I leave my troubles hiding inside the water fall.

Arduous Invocation (POEM)

This poem was written a few years ago.  I found it today while packing and tossing and decided to post.

Arduous Invocation

If I couldst open mine heart to reveal what inside resides,

From hence would flow a melody sweet to thine ear;

Words of honey so sweet would follow quick,

Manifestations of cherished allotments of thyself wouldst appear.

On longing delight hath fed and ardor quenched desired thirst,

Yet our allotted hours in unison be the substance of brevity;

Sustenance gleaned from the fabric of our shrouded dreams,

we are well met in the secluded haven of faculty and levity.

Shall I persuade thee to linger yet a little while,

to gallantly tender whisperings precious and sweet;

Thou dost enslave me with thine passionate declarations,

So blushed mine cheek tis enflamed with scarlet heat.

Thou hearest whisperings of my heart, my secret declarations,

I am known of you yet still you love, a puzzling mystery;

Myself as whole I cannot give, but what I give tis true,

In twain divided yet I find, I canst not separate myself from thee.

I am grateful for thy loving care, and for thy sharing of thyself,

This arduous journey imprinted much on my peace and serenity;

What shall befall I cannot know but this fact is sure,

Some part of me shall forever love, remembrances joyous forever be

Some abiding remembrance of me linger near, this invocation mine,

Some special portal of thine heart let me fill;

I canst not own the whole of thee, what tis mine I cherish,

Memory, Reality, whatever may be, I shall love thee still.

Packing it in... (BLOG)

Packing up 16 years of stuff can really mess with your head.  I feel like somebody died. If I really think about it somebody did.  People have said to me that I feel so bad because it's the death of a marriage, death of hopes and dreams.  But that died long ago.  But they are right in that it is a death. 

It's the death of a scared, unhappy, unfulfilled woman who , quite unfairly, will never be vindicated.  She gave all, sacrificed all, just for the hope that someday, somehow he'd appreciate how much she loved him.  Instead she was tossed out like trash and scorned, ridiculed and terrorized.  It's not fair, it's not right, it's pathetic.  So I am mourning.  I am mourning the death of that very unhappy woman.  I am sad that she will never get the love and appreciation she deserved.  But out of her ashes is rising a much stronger, happier secure woman.  And I swear her death will not be in vain. 

I am also mourning the death of the man I loved.  Perhaps that's not the right way to put it, because he never existed.  The potential was there but never realized.  And it's a "complete "waste!  The man I loved was smart, funny, strong, and generous.  That man could do anything.  That man was worth devoting your life to.  That man was a good Father and husband.  It's a real shame he never existed.  He could have, but other things were more important.  "Money", outward appearance, control and the selfish empty pursuit of all things HIM, that's what really mattered.  I almost feel sorry for him because he'll never get to know what's it like to really love someone and be loved in return.  Because you can't be loved if you can't open up and let people in.  And you can't love someone you control.

So yeah... I guess I have the right to be sad.  And even though I am SO ready to get out of here, even though I am so happy to be free of the tyranny I lived under, and even though I can finally stop walking on eggshells afraid to be me, I still feel a bit sad leaving all that is familiar to head out to the unknown.

Never Take Travel Advice from My Brother! (Adventure)

So my brother Roz told me about this cool place he went to...  Innsmouth.  Said I'd like the rural surroundings, love coastal New England this time of year, said I needed a break from all the stress I'd been under.  And... it was cheap!  I was sold.

At first glance it looked GREAT!

I checked into my room at the bed and breakfast I was staying at.  It was quite a bit more run down than I was prepared for but... I'm no snob.  I could rough it.  I needed peace and quiet and there was that in abundance right??

The solitude was just what I needed.  Who needs tv, computers, running water?!  O_O

After being bored to... I mean basking in my me time, I decided to go explore the place.
Did the place seem darker and creepier than when I got here?  Hmmmm must be my imagination!

I decided the best place to go to get to know the place was a bar.  And luckily I found one right away!

The service was kind of slow and I didn't like the way the barkeep was looking at me, but nothing bad happened so I decided to catch a movie.

Boy these people like all things aquatic.  Fish, waves, and frog designs everywhere!  It was nice and all but a bit much.  As I left the movie theatre I saw a man sitting on the curb.  I sat down beside him and we had a nice chat.  He told me I seemed like a nice girl and maybe I should leave town.  I asked him why but he just walked away.  He looked back at me and said sadly, "Leave, while you can!"

So that really creeped me out but it also made me curious.  I decided to look around this town and see what I could find.  I found this boarded up place with locked doors.  So yeah... I HAD to get in.  I looked inside and this is what I saw!

Looks like they worshipped fish or frogs or something... weird!  I decided to look around the town a bit more... I was drawn to a glowing green light...  WHAT WAS THAT?

Before I could figure it out, I heard a terrifying noise.  I should have just ran then but I had to know what was making that sound.  When I saw what it was I did run!

Unfortunately I didn't run fast enough.  I fell and hit my head.  One of the creature's minions captured me.

I woke up strapped to a table.  What in the world was going on?

I struggled with all my might.  I don't know if the restraints were old or weak or if adrenaline just made me that strong but I got free and I ran!  I opened a door trying to find a way out and was horrified by what I saw...

I did NOT want to know what happened in that room.  I was desperate to get out.  I ran thru the house like a madwoman.  In my haste I knocked over a lamp and set the whole house on fire!  I barely escaped the flames with my life!!

I ran as fast I could.  I ran all the way to the coast without thinking what I was doing.  I saw a boat in the water.  The man that hours earlier had told me to leave was manning the boat.  "GET IN," he yelled!  He didn't have to tell me twice.  As we floated away from that horrible place, I had so many questions.  I wasn't sure if I even wanted to know the answers.  But the one thing I did know was...  I WAS GOING TO KILL ROZ!!!!

The Edge of Never (Poem)

The Edge of NEVER

I see you fiend of hell,
taunting me inticing me in.
I won't go where you bid me.
I won't be tempted to go where you lead.
Yes, your blackness is familiar to me,
I know how it feels surrounding me,
I know the pain,
the release,
the cycle.
I know what it is to revel in misery,
But it doesn't work anymore.
There is no satisfaction in agony,
I am tired of being your puppet,
I won't do your bidding any longer,
I will not destroy myself anymore.
Nothing I have done is vile enough to merit your society.
The pit is not for me.
I think you liked my company ,
fed off my strength and vitality,
You liked having me bow to your whim,
You liked me unaware of my own worth,
I won't be frozen by your embrace any more!
Go back to your pit I'll not join you there,
wallow in your misery and selfishness,
and drink the poison of your own heart.
I've had enough to last a 1000 lifetimes.
I think I'll bask in the light,
and hold your memory as a reminder,
to go on, to spur me forward,
and never look back down into the pit,
never to stand on the edges,
feeling the pull dragging me,
down down down to where you dwell.

Descent (POEM)

DESCENT

Sitting here reading your words
Your declarations to the women in your past
Each word a stab to the heart
You are no longer the man that wrote those words
You no longer believe the feelings you vowed
Or maybe you do and I really am
not capable of stirring in you such sentiments
I wish you could love me
Am I deficient or is it we are just not a compatible
or maybe all I can offer is my sexuality
the gift and curse that destroys me again and again
Maybe that's all I have
Maybe that's all I am
one that can stir passions but never love
I guess I should be glad you notice me at all
few do
I crave and abhor the attention of men
I shrink from connection
because I know it will all boil down to sex
and then it begins
 the slow
agonizing descent into goodbye