Scrambled Eggs (BLOG)

So you read the title scrambled eggs and you see a picture of me riding a turtle.  Makes sense... yeah?  *shakes head vigorously !NO!*   Well don't worry... I did not make an omelet with turtle eggs!  !WHEW!  

I've been in a very fragile state these days not unlike an egg.  And my brain has been very scrambled lately... so I named this blog post scrambled eggs.  Kind of how I feel... broken... scrambled...cooked in hell fire... and then eaten. 

My emotions have been beating the hell out of me for a good two weeks now.  Ever since I started packing up my life to leave this house.  And I HATE this house.  I hate the memories in this house.  But I still feel completely, unbearably, crushingly sad to leave it.  I know it's because I am most terrified of the unknown.  I like knowing what will happen, I like having a plan.  And I don't have one.  Everything is rushed and up in the air.  I have no "job."  I have very little income and too many hands out wanting paid.  I have a good deal of dinero coming my way but it will take a couple months for me to get it.  And in the meantime I am getting farther and farther in debt.  I feel hopeless.

So yesterday, crying, feeling hopeless, and wishing I had someone to hold me I go into SL.  (doesn't everyone?)  I "start" talking to my good buddy Feesh.  He's very grounding, and doesn't get alarmed at anything.  He talks me down off the ledge I'm on and suggests we go swimming.  So we dive, swim around, and look like frogs with our legs kicking when we stop to look at something.  Good fun.  I see some sharks and try to sit on them so I can ride them.  No go.  I try the turtle.  No go.  For some reason, I feel the urge to try again.  And voila! I am riding a turtle.  And I have no control where the little guy is taking me.  I just have go along for the ride.  It was fun!  It made me laugh.

I may not have chosen to be where I am now.  But I have to just keep going. And when things don't work, try again.  Not always being in control can lead me to some fun places if I am brave enough to let go and give it whirl.

Thanks to all my friends who are being so wonderful to me in this transitional time in my life.  And especially thanks to Feesh for helping me get my equilibrium back yesterday.

Desperation (POEM)

Desperation

I'm desperate for clarity
Desperate to know,
Desperate for understanding,
Desperate to show.

I'm desperate for passion,
Desperate to feel,
Desperate for connection,
Desperate for something real.

I'm desperate for Change,
Desperate to improve,
Desperate to avoid the darkness,
Desperate to begin to move.

I'm desperate for happiness,
Desperate to be at peace,
Desperate for serenity,
Desperate for pain to cease.

I'm desperate for security,
Desperate to be safely guarded,
Desperate to feel comfort,
Desperate to be kept and not discarded.

I'm desperate for someone to love me,
Desperate to be esteemed,
Desperate to be cherished,
Desperate to be redeemed.

I'm desperate to avoid destruction,
Desperate to become whole,
Desperate to be worthwhile,
Desperate to save my soul.

I'm desperate for an answer,
Desperate for to finally see,
Desperate for things to make sense,
Desperate to be me!

Contemplation (POEM)

Contemplation


Deep thoughts intrude when I want to sleep,
Unwelcome truths visit me in my dreams,
There is no escape from what my conscience tells me,
Justification is just empty distraction.

I know right from wrong,
I know what I SHOULD do,
I also know what I will do,
Procrastination is just me holding back in trepidation.

My feelings and actions are at war,
My heart and mind bitter enemies,
I think I know how it will all end, and yet,
Prediction is just my attempt at fate "modification."

I crush my own spirit again and again,
I do the opposite of what I should,
I let people in who will only kill my soul,
Self destruction is just my punishment for imperfection.

I tell myself lies to make myself feel better,
I lie to loved ones so they won't worry,
I keep hoping I'll convince myself, but,
Deception is just my prevention of self examination.

The time will come when I have to face it,
Choices that will define me will have to be made,
Then all will know what I am made of, because,
Revelation is just action exibition.

Until then I live in the meantime,
I don't look forward just live day by day,
Until I can believe in and have hope for a future,
Imobolization is just my current life destination.

Safety Net (POEM)

Safety Net

I found you lying in my dresser while I was cleaning it out,
My safety net, lying there waiting to be used,
You kept from going mad and gave me strength each day to go on.
I repeated to myself time and again... just one more day,
Just one more hour, just one more breath.
If I can't face it, I have my safety net, I have a way out.
And I would go on, face another day, and live.

I held you in my hand, nothing about you had changed.
You were still plastic,  still round,
Still full of pills, and not one missing.
You still held the same potential to give me a way out.
You still held the same potential to end my hopeless life.
Part of me thinks I should just toss you out,
But somehow I can't.

Because your meaning to me has completely changed.
I no longer long to make use of your protection.
I no longer need a safety net to face tomorrow.
You are no longer my safety net,
You are a symbol of how far I've come,
Of how much I've grown,
And how much I now want to live.

You remind me how fragile life is.
You remind me how close I came to destruction.
How close I came to destroying not just me, but those I love,
I never wanted to hurt anyone, only wanted to prevent more pain,
I Thought you might be better with me gone, but deep down I knew,
We are all interconnected, each choice effects another.
Each choice changes our world.

I never told a soul you existed.
I never told anyone the dark thoughts nesting in my brain,
Of the ice around my heart, the constant pain I felt.
I knew they'd make me get rid of you, make me try to walk,
They'd make me face my life with no way out,
They'd make me tightrope without my safety net below.
I was not that brave or coordinated.

Now I think I could tightrope, I could trapeze,
I could soar or tumble all without a net.
Because I have a greater hope than any found in your bottle.
I know I am in the hands of a greater "power",
A greater "power who wants only good things for me.
How wise he was, How much he loved me.
How well he knew me, He actually used a bottle of pills
To save my life.

PROMISES (POEM)

PROMISES

There is no tomorrow,
There is only today,
So if you want to hurt me,
You need only say,
I promise.

I don't believe in promises,
I don't believe it's real,
I don't believe in forever,
I just go with what I feel,
No more promises.

I do believe in feelings,
But I don't believe they last,
I do believe in new beginnings,
But they soon become the past,
They fade like promises.

I wish that love was forever,
I wish it was without end,
By experience has taught me well,
Feelings in time will tear and rend,
Just broken promises.

I want to live in the moment,
To revel in here and now,
That is all I have,
There is nothing I can vow,
Just empty promises.

Perhaps someday I'll believe again,
Someday I can trust,
Someday my motivations will be driven,
By more than fear and lust,
But I make no promises!

Scars (Poem)

Scars

You never hit me once,

You never left a bruise.
but you still made a mark
some scars are invisible.

Words like poison

You forced down my throat
the only reason for them
to make me cry
to make me do things Your way.

You choked me with silence,

with indifference
with ridicule
to make me be quiet.

You starved me withholding affection

You pushed me away
You locked me out
to make me feel small and worthless.

You were never satisfied

nothing was good enough
everyone,especially me,was beneath You,
to make me feel unimportant.

You never listened to anyone

nobody had a worthwile opinion but You
nothing I said was considered
to make me feel stupid.

Nothing happened except at Your convenience

Nobody's time was important
Nobody mattered but You
to make me feel invisible.

You belittled my interests

scorned my religion
made me feel everything about me was wrong
to make me doubt my worth.

You were irritated by my singing

You laughed at my writing
You hated all the good things about me
to make me change all I was.

You dismissed my contributions

Never appreciated anything I did
Never even cared one way or the other
to make me try harder to please You.

You tried to kill all that was me

Tried to make me feel I was defective
Tried to make me into Your robot slave
to make YOU feel better about You

I eventually gave up on everything

didn't even want to live
and you still tormented me
to make me end my life.

You waited till the last second

to take me to the hospital
You hoped I'd die, was disappointed when I didn't
You made me wish I had.

You sent away my family

laughed at my weakness
never lifted a finger to help me
to repay me for not dying.

When I chose to live

You decided to find another person to torment
To find someone easier to mold into your ideal
I no longer had any thing left to give you.

You said you couldn't stand to be seen with me

You were disgusted by how fat I was
You found me old, ugly and hideous
to make me feel repulsive.

You screamed at me about the bills

What it cost to keep me alive
You humiliated me at every opportunity
to make me feel like a burden.

And when I realized what you had almost done
when I saw I was not who you saw me as
When I saw you for what You were
you said you hated me.

You thought you broke me

you thought you tossed me out like trash
you thought you sucked all the life out of me
But you only set me free.

The scars will remind me

That I can survive
That I am more than I thought
That all that is me isn't destroyed and will remain.

I would never know how precious I am

Would never know what I can withstand
Never known the best of me
if you had not tried to destroy it.

So I'll wear these scars as a badge of honor

Use my experiences to treat others with compassion
Encourage others to avoid this fate
And never let anyone have that much "power" over me again!


The Waterfall (Poem)

Another poem I found while packing and tossing...

The Waterfall

I sit quietly staring into the water, seeking comfort, solace, a hiding place,
I dream of how I wish things could be, I stare dreamily off into space.

A pair of piercing eyes haunt my mind,
Passion meets passion and conscience becomes blind.

I wait for the moment to say how I feel,
But I know it's only a dream, I know it isn't real.

I know it isn't right but I am tempted still,
To quench my thirst and drink my fill.

And yet I pause on the water's edge because I know
One moment of pleasure would bring years of woe.

One doesn't balance the other inequity abounds,
Temptation haunts me and desire confounds.

Once again I search the water for serenity and peace,
One again my heart is filled with unease.

What I feel for you I can't describe even to myself,
Much better if I hide it, put it far back on a shelf.

Then I don't have to worry, I don't have to deal,
I don't have to face it, I can deny what I feel.

I won't have to feel guilt or beg forgiveness then,
I won't have to fail God again and again.

But my reflection in the water tells me more than I want to know,
Bound by friendship I know I can't have you, yet I can't let you go.

Your friendship is precious a treasured gift,
A solid place amidst the drift.

There can be no more than that but the temptation still exists, still resides,
Always below the surface, in darkness and frustration it hides.

Bubbling beneath the surface, looking for a chance to spring,
Keeping it in check is not always a simple thing,

Yet I go on with life like nothing is happening at all,
And I leave my troubles hiding inside the water fall.

Arduous Invocation (POEM)

This poem was written a few years ago.  I found it today while packing and tossing and decided to post.

Arduous Invocation

If I couldst open mine heart to reveal what inside resides,

From hence would flow a melody sweet to thine ear;

Words of honey so sweet would follow quick,

Manifestations of cherished allotments of thyself wouldst appear.

On longing delight hath fed and ardor quenched desired thirst,

Yet our allotted hours in unison be the substance of brevity;

Sustenance gleaned from the fabric of our shrouded dreams,

we are well met in the secluded haven of faculty and levity.

Shall I persuade thee to linger yet a little while,

to gallantly tender whisperings precious and sweet;

Thou dost enslave me with thine passionate declarations,

So blushed mine cheek tis enflamed with scarlet heat.

Thou hearest whisperings of my heart, my secret declarations,

I am known of you yet still you love, a puzzling mystery;

Myself as whole I cannot give, but what I give tis true,

In twain divided yet I find, I canst not separate myself from thee.

I am grateful for thy loving care, and for thy sharing of thyself,

This arduous journey imprinted much on my peace and serenity;

What shall befall I cannot know but this fact is sure,

Some part of me shall forever love, remembrances joyous forever be

Some abiding remembrance of me linger near, this invocation mine,

Some special portal of thine heart let me fill;

I canst not own the whole of thee, what tis mine I cherish,

Memory, Reality, whatever may be, I shall love thee still.