Of Little Value (POEM)

Of Little Value
_____________________________________________________
No value placed on
What was freely given
Gift though it might
Have been.
_____________________________________________________
Wrapped in shiny paper and bow
It counted for nothing
Tossed to the ground
A mere distraction
To pass the time.
_____________________________________________________
It was never even opened
Just glanced at and
Discarded when another
Shiny object was placed
Into apathetic hands.
_____________________________________________________
Thanks were given
All the courtesies observed
But all thought of the gift
Gone in the blink of an eye
Forgotten before it
Reached the ground.
_____________________________________________________
Solitary it lays
A cruel reminder of
My insignificance.

Absence (POEM)

Absence

pounding torrents
roll over me
...

reminding me
of what I have not
creating bitterness
and regret
the pitter patter
of thankful raindrops
for what I do have
don't seem to register
because absence
is louder than presence

 

 

 

Erasure (POEM)

Erasure

If I could go back in time
And never meet you
Get close to you
...

Or let you in
Without a backward glance
I would wipe you
From my existence

 

Free (POEM)

 Free

Once tethered here
Release shall come
Regrets shall evaporate
...

It shall be done
And as a ripple in a pond
The impact made will fade away
Forgotten and left as before
No memory of the shackled soul
That resided in this space

 

TIRED (BLOG)

So there's a picture I saw.. has the dos equis(sp) dude on it... and it says this:

I don't always fall in love but when I do... I do it with a completely wrong person and then fuck up my life a good deal because I am obviously retarded.  I don't like the word retarded so I replace it with... I am obviously a moron.   Then it's pretty accurate for me.

I always choose the one person who I will never be good enough for.  And then I do everything I possibly can to drive them far away from me.  And then if that doesn't work...  I find something to get mad about... blow it out of proportion and walk away.  A very fucked up form of protection.

Getting perilously close to the walking away stage.  Not that the person even knows...  they don't even notice I am alive unless I am right in front of their faces waving "look at me look at me!"  My arms are tired.  And my heart is tired.  I wish I could give it a rest. 

Return (POEM)

Return

Ethereal mist replaces
What once was.
What is
Now intangible,
Forever out of reach.
Locked once more
In the deep quiet darkness.
Desolate as it may be,
The comfort of the familiar,
Makes it home.

Unrequited (POEM)

Unrequited


I know I'll never have your love as I wish
And yet it doesn't change how I feel
I am not deluded, I am simply lost in you

It makes me sad to bestow this feeling on
Someone who can never return my affection
But try as I might I cannot walk away

My greatest desire is your happiness
Even at the expense of my own
No request of yours would I refuse

I want to be free, But these prison walls hold me tight
The saddest thing is you would not have me caged
I have caged myself and cannot find the key to escape

it's agony to watch, to view my insignificance
I hate myself for my weakness, For my submission
I find myself on my knees all alone in my misery

what hurts most is the misery is my own making
If I could be satisfied in just your good opinion
But I want your adoration and that will never be

You care for me, in truth you think more of me than I do
I should be happy and content just knowing the good you see in me
But I want you to more than like me I want you to cherish me

I wonder if it's just me, unable to be pleased
Am I not capable of satisfaction and contentment?
Do I want more than is possible for me?

It is not totally without joy this love of mine
I am happy when you are, when your happiness shines
It seems worth it for a while when you are content

I am aware of the power of love, and what a precious gift it can be
I know of its healing power and the charm in affection
And the pain of deprivation doesn't negate the beauty of love

Love does not return void, any true love uplifts
But when unrequited the uplifting is one sided
And the giving side is a cross heavy to bear

I want to go... I want to stay
I want to make your life better I want to run
I pack my bags, prepare to fly and then

You smile and tell me how special I am
What a good friend I have been to you
And I unpack again knowing

As long as you need me
As long as you still see good in me
I shall be here for you.

Eradication (POEM)

ERADICATION

Aeons of disappointment,

Weary of the light,

I wish to be extinguished,

To burn myself out,

To hide myself in darkness,

 

Sweet oblivion!

 

So many before,

So many choices,

But none have created the spark,

No consuming fire,

Only embers,

Brief fires, brief respite,

But no quenching fire,

The world is as it was again,

No phoenix rises from the ashes. 

 

I long for a new world,

A fire to burn me inside out,

To burn anyone that comes in my path,

To cleanse them in the searing fire,

To forge a new world,

To set ablaze my heart and mind. 

 

Consummation a furious white heat,

Red hot embers smolder at the scorching kiss,

It spawns A Phoenix to rise from the ashes,

More powerful than the creature before,

The whole is greater than the sum of the predecessor.

 

Engulfed in searing flame,

Branded by the frenzied proclivity,

Radiated by the simmering voracity,

Everything burns in its wake. 

 

How little defense my battered heart,

I fear there is no escape and all will be consumed,

I am engulfed I rise to discover,

Only that which is fireproof remains,

My fire is not gone,

Fire cannot burn fire no matter how hot it burns. 

 

I realize that when fire met fire the union  produced,

An immense blaze burning away the superfluous relics

I clung to.

Only the pure basic primal instincts remained,

The core the fundamental components that,

Encased my being, my true heart and soul,

Endured. 

 

And now I begin again!

Release (POEM)

Release

what would happen if I released
the stranglehold I keep on myself?
what woudl happen if I ever
really let go?
Would my world crumble?
would all my relationships falter?
would anything happen at all?
would I dance naked like a pagan
in the night?
would I grab an unsuspecting victim
and satiate my lust on them?
would some horrible wretched creature
come crawling out of my brain
destroying all in it's path?
Or would I finally
for once in my life
be able to breathe?

Safe Inside My Mind (POEM)

Safe Inside My Mind


wrapped up in a borrowed blanket resting my head
on a borrowed pillow sleeping on the floor
I find more peace here than in my memory foam,
mattressed, satin sheeted bed where I sleep
all alone
I know it is not my space
I know you don't really want me here
But sleeping in your floor I can pretend
I can feel safe
protected
and cared for
I don't feel so alone
even though you never join me here
I feel your presence,
 feel the sense of you
that invades this tiny space
and the fact that you let me stay
and never complain that I am imposing
makes this space more precious
makes me want to stay longer
it doesn't matter that it's all in my mind
that I close my eyes to pretend  it's a real
space I can hide in
it feels as real to me as the
tears that flow down my face
when I wake up the next day
safe and secure in my empty bed

Flying Leap (POEM)

I took a whole heck of a lot of poetic license with this poem.  Someone did say something very similar to me but I really just wanted to express my feeling of wanting to feel alive and to do something daring more than anything.

Flying Leap

You told me to take care
that is was not safe or wise to
tempt someone as dangerous as you
I am not afraid of you
I would welcome the risk
would love to dance on the edge
and love to fall to the rocks below
the end would not be pretty
but the ride down makes me
want to jump again and again
safety is a prison where
nothing exciting ever happens
I want to feel my blood race
I want to feel alive
So thanks for the warning but
I think it's a nice day
to take a flying leap!

Drowsy Reflections (POEM)

Drowsy Reflections

Tucked away in my quiet little haven,
I dream  the universe vast and wide,
I watch the passage of years,
I am in and out of time,
I awake at the exact moment I started,
Was it real or just a dream?
I lay down once more,And the cycle renews.