Unwilling Siren
There is a blackhole inside me no one can fill
And the things that I've tried to fill it with have been consumed
Nothing can withstand the test
No light can penetrate the darkness
All is swallowed in the depths of blackest night
I fight against it but always feel the pull
Dragging me down
spiralling me down again into the pit
They say I'm strong but I know I am weak
I cannot break the pullI cannot free myself
I cannot even save those I love from being pulled down
If I were strong I would throw myself into the pit
Fill the void and no one else could be pulled down by the blackness in me
Someday I'll be that strong
Someday it will end
Until then beware
Stay far from me
do not venture near
You cannot help
It is not the call of distress from some sweet maiden in need
It is the destructive call of a siren
pulling you down into your doom
.JenRid 10/22/11
Significance
Why have you left me here all alone?
Only ripples in a pond left,
A word on the tip of my tongue,
A thought almost remembered,
I call out for you, are you dead?
No answer only silence,
Everything is deathly still,
I wait to feel your breath,
I scream to break the silence.
My scream is swallowed.
No sound reaches my ears.
What should I do?
I throw myself to the floor.
I am having a tantrum like a child.
I kick and scream and writhe in agony.
Still it does not break the silence.
I am desperate,
I sigh in frustration.
The sound rattles the ground.
Buildings crumble into dust.
The noise is deafening.
JenRid
.
Longing
reaching stretching barely grazing with my fingertips
I know I could grasp it if my arm were just a bit longer
If I held on a bit longer
If I put everything I had into it
aye there's the rub
do I dare?
Do I ever give all of myself?
The past has taught me the pain of offering myself so freely
Yet the belief of how sweet surrender could be if fear did not prohibit drives me forward
Then caution paralyzes me
could it ever really be for me?
is it possible?
will I ever be enough?
perhaps if reached out a little bit further...
JenRid
Blood Red
I built fortresses to protect you
brick by brick with sweat and tears I built a wall
I deemed you safe from injury
Each crack I filled again and again
I learned the smallest hole can pierce
And then I bled
Blood red my pain you revealed
I tried to freeze you out
warm and vibrant you still beat
No chill was strong enough to still your palpitation
Frozen almost to the center you still had essence
Snow and Ice is nothing compared to your "power"
The will to live thaws you again and again
Blood Red you survived
I tried again and again to give you away
Each time you came back a little wounded but alive
You grew, you prospered, you learned
Each time you became larger
There was no way to stunt your growth
Each trial only added to your beauty
Blood red with me you remained
I tried to kill you, ignore you, pretend you didn't exist
It never mattered you beat out the rhythm of life
Everything in me felt dead
but you beat on, play on, never letting me forget I live
Pain washed over me, then I grew numb
But you throbbed beat after beat
Blood red in me you sojourned
I want to change you, make you stronger, more resistant to pain
But You never change your cadence
Your metre and movement never waver
The pulse may slow or quicken but it plays the same song
I can never totally give up as long as you thump in my chest.
JenRid
Beaten
I smile to hide what I don't want you to know,
I laugh to camouflage what I don't want to show.
I joke to distract from what I don't wish to reveal,
I do it all so you can never guess how I feel.
The more I laugh, the sadder I grow,
I laugh, I smile and watch my being go.
It's getting harder and harder to know,
What is real and what is show.
I stuff the feelings down until they won't stay in,
In weakness I cry and paint the facade on again.
And with a smile I sadly face the day,
I Watch what I do, I watch what I say.
Trapped like a rat, this cage is mine,
And yet I smile and say I am fine.
I put myself in, I have no one to blame,
I made my own bed, I lie there in shame.
It's getting harder to smile, getting harder to laugh,
Getting harder to keep myself from tearing in half.
Why do I bother, I wonder what good it brings,
And can you tell me why this caged bird sings?
JenRid.
Okay so I am starting a new blog. I don't even know what I am going to do with it. But I do know I want to record my thoughts and feelings as this is a very transitional time for me. I don't want to forget things as they are now so I can learn from the past and move forward to a powerful future. I want to learn all I can while I can so I can make myself into a person worthy of my own pride. Yeah... this is a bit stuffy to me too but I can be serious... sometimes.
