So I am doing a lot of thinking. So many thoughts are flying thru my head, I can't even get them all down before they leave the way they came. I am trying to record the really important ones but it's hard to keep up.
There's so much that I am learning about who I am, who I was, and what I want to be. I am totally rearranging how I want to approach the world from now on. It's exciting and a bit scary as well.
I have a peace I haven't had in a long time. I have so many choices and so much I have to get done, I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed. The old Jen could not have taken any of this on because she didn't believe she could. But this new me, this new creature I am learning to live with, she tells me she can do a lot. She tells me I'm in for a hell of a ride.
*holds on tight* Let's see what happens!
So many voices in my head. So much guilt and regret. I can't shake it. Insecurity plagues me. I sometimes just want to quit! Somehow I always muster up enough strength to go on. Today I am wondering... why?
I can give myself 200 reasons to quit. I have lost faith in everything including myself. So why don't I just quit? What is that spark that keeps me going? Why am I still here?
One big spark and driving force is my son. I want to be a good mother for him. I don't want to let him down. But there are times when the thought of him just isn't enough. And yet, I don't quit.
Another big spark is my religious beliefs. I do believe in God. I do believe he has a plan. But there are times when I have doubts even he could love me. I think he should just give up on me even though he never has. And still I go on.
Is there some spark, some eternal part of me, some glorious gift of God that drives me? Is there really a plan and a purpose for my life that I am meant to fulfill before I go on to the next life? Can I really make a difference in anyone's life? Can I make a difference in mine?
I am not sure of the answer but I do know I am driven. Even at my lowest point I did not give up. Surely there is some reason why I can't give up. Surely there is some reason why I've experienced all I've experienced.
Almost every painful experience in my life has been used to help others. I've been given fine examples on how to live my life and the kind of person I want to be. It seems like the only thing holding me back is me.
I need to quit trying to protect myself and let go. I need to tap into that driving force and keep moving forward. I need to remind myself there is a plan. I want to love, laugh and live! I want to live my life in service of others. I want to make a difference.
And I will. This damn energizer bunny driving force won't allow me to do otherwise. Apparently quitting is NOT an option! I must have something important to do. I best get busy!!!!!
I cried myself to sleep last night. I don't remember the last time I've done that. I was drifting off to sleep thinking of someone who makes me smile. I was thinking it was a nice way to fall asleep. Then it happened. My demons started taunting me. I had an extremely vicious thought enter my brain... YOU ARE ALONE. And I couldn't dispute it, I was.
I am surrounded by people who love me and care about me, but I feel so spirit crushingly alone. In the small still hours of the night, I am all alone. Nobody is there to hold, nobody is there to touch.
I've tried so hard to improve myself lately. I've tried so hard to remain positive in spite of setbacks and heartbreaks. But last night I just couldn't fight it. I gave in and cried until I fell asleep from exhaustion.
I've spent a good portion of my life lonely. I never realized any of my positive attributes and I wasted what little youth and beauty I had. I wasted all my love on someone who viewed it as nothing.
I know people like who I am. I know I am a reasonably good person. I know people care. I know people are attracted to my personality and sense of fun.
But nobody is going look at this face and fall in love. Nobody is going to look at my situation and take that on. I am going to spend the rest of my nights alone. That's how I feel. And I just can't shake it.
And that makes me feel defeated. Because I've tried so hard not to feel this away again. I've tried so hard to rise above my past. But today I just can't. And I feel like a failure.
I feel like I have nothing to entice a man but my sexual imagination. I'm great with fantasy. But I need reality. And it's not going to happen. And it's not that I blame them, I look at myself and I know I've got nothing to offer.
I tried to be brave about it. I tried not to care. I tried having all the people that care about me and wish me well be enough. But it's not. I don't want to be alone. And I am.
The one thing I am holding on to is thinking this too shall pass. I am hoping that I'll right myself again and just keep moving forward. I've gone too far to give up and get stuck again. I just have to stand. I just have to breathe. I just have to believe.
Oh well, two out of three "ain't" bad. :)
